Tag Archives: sex

PONDERING THE BENEFITS OF BEING A CONVICTED FELON

 

Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru has lived (within reason in all but two states) a crime-free life, but after reading a recent article (click here to read) he wonders if that choice has been a colossal  mistake.

A Massachusetts convicted killer is getting a sex-change operation–paid for by you, the taxpayer–because it was deemed in his…her…it’s best health interest.

Well hell’s, bells…who knew?  I’m thinking that needing regular sex from 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks is in my best health interest.  Think they’ll pay for that if I get thrown in the slammer?

Peace out ya felonious freaks

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Filed under Current Events, Sexuality

PONDERING ALTERNATE HAND MASTURBATION AND OTHER WAYS TO GET OUT OF A RUT

Greetings from the mountain top…

As much as The Guru hates to admit it, he is human.

Like any human I sometimes get into a rut.  Seriously, how many young woman can you have sex with, how much wine can you drink, how much weed can you smoke, and how much amazing fun can you have before you become stuck in a rut of your own making?  Yeh, life is sometimes tough on the boulder.

Here, then, is a list of a few items to help you break out of your daily rut:

…masturbate with your other hand (it’s not cheating, but it sure as hell feels like it)

…wear your undergarments (assuming you wear any) on the outside

…have a backwards day (eat dinner first thing in the morning, breakfast before bed)

…watch television channels you’ve never watched even if you don’t like the program

….call up a friend you haven’t spoken to in ages

…buy three fruits you’ve never tasted

…walk up to a total stranger and pick up the conversation mid stream (…so that’s why I told her she was out of her mind.  What do you think?)

…go to a movie theater and buy a ticket for the person behind you (then sit behind them and make obnoxious noises the entire time)

…stand backward in an elevator and pretend everyone else has it wrong

…wake up an hour earlier than normal

…turn on your radio (or Pandora or whatever you listen to), and tune in to music you normally ignore

…pick up a coloring book and crayons at the store and channel your inner seven-year-old for an hour

…go to the park and swing

…ask a random stranger at the coffee shop to join your table

…use your opposite hand one entire day for routine tasks

…shop at a different grocery store or reverse your normal pathway at your own store

…sit, face-to-face, with your significant other (without talking or touching) for 30 minutes

…engage in non-penetration sex (come on, use your imagination)

…write a letter to someone famous and actually mail it

…go to a concert of a band you’ve never heard of (and don’t look them up on YouTube first)

…take a wherever trip (pick a direction and wherever you end up is where you meant to go)

Peace out ya routine-based freaks

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Filed under Current Events, Philosophy

PONDERING REGRET AND THE POWER OF LETTING GO

Greetings from the mountain top…

As hard as it is to fathom, sometimes the words of another are better than The Guru’s.

Such is the case with the subjects of regret, forgiveness, and letting go of the past.  Written by Beth Nielsen Chapman and sung by Willie Nelson, the following lyrics answers this pondering perfectly.

Nothing I Can Do About It Now

I’ve got a long list of real good reasons 
For all the things I’ve done 
I’ve got a picture in the back of my mind 
Of what I’ve lost and what I’ve won

 I’ve survived every situation 
Knowing when to freeze and when to run 
And regret is just a memory written on my brow 
And there’s nothing I can do about it now. 

I’ve got a wild and a restless spirit 
I held my price through every deal 
I’ve seen the fire of a woman’s scorn 
Turn her heart of gold to steel 

I’ve got the song of the voice inside me 
Set to the rhythm of the wheel 
And I’ve been dreaming like a child 
Since the cradle broke the bough 
And there’s nothing I can do about it now. 

Running through the changes 
Going through the stages 
Coming round the corners in my life 

Leaving doubt to fate 
Staying out too late 
Waiting for the moon to say goodniight 

And I could cry for the time I’ve wasted 
But that’s a waste of time and tears, 
And I know just what I’d change 
If went back in time somehow 
But there’s nothing I can do about it now.

Running through the changes 
Going through the stages 
Coming round the corners in my life 

Leaving doubt to fate 
Staying out too late 
Waiting for the moon to say goodniight 

And I could cry for the time I’ve wasted 
But that’s a waste of time and tears 
And I know just what I’d change 
If went back in time somehow 
But there’s nothing I can do about it now. 

I’m forgiving everything that forgiveness will allow 
And there’s nothing I can do about it now.

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Filed under Death, Philosophy, religion

PONDERING THE UNDISPUTED, UNDEFEATED CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE–SEX

Greetings from the mountain top…

The guru two mountains over stopped by recently to discuss current events.  As usual, we spent more time laughing than discussing mainly because the less time we spend in the lands down below the more absurd (or is that entertaining?) the show becomes.

We humans think we have progressed so far–Electricity, space flight, artificial hearts, two million cable channels, a black president, smart phones, nanobots, Jersey Shore, and more.   We are the epitome of evolution and a legend in our own minds.  Why, with our superior minds and opposable thumbs, there is nothing we cannot do, no obstacle we can’t overcome, no advance we cannot make.  We’re king of the world!

Well, almost.

As we head to the backstretch of 2012 I call to your attention the tiniest sampling of  headlines from this year:

Minnesota Lawmaker in Rest Stop Sex Scandal with Teen Boys Changes Mind, Drops Re-election Bid

Air Force Relieves Commander Over Sex Scandal

Secret Service Agents Fired in Sex Scandal

Anthony Weiner Sexting Scandal

Allison Meyers; the RNC Young Donor Director Fired Over a Bondage Club Scandal

Before you shake your head at the downfall of modern man, realize that sex has never been defeated at any point in history.

Anyone remember a couple named Adam and Eve? What about Julius Caesar and Cleopatra? An obsessed freak named King Henry VIII?  How about Benjamin Franklin, connoisseur extraordinaire of whores? Thomas Jefferson and his love toy (and slave) Sally Jennings? Our only gay president, James Buchanan (I shit you not)?, The Victoria’s Secret of his time, J. Edgar Hoover? Warren Harding  who had a fifteen year affair with the wife of a close friend?  You get the point.

No matter how far we progress, how intelligent we become, how advanced our brains, we are–and shall remain–animals subject to our base drives, our instinctual urges, and the need to get our freak on.

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!  Undefeated throughout history.  Stronger than any human.  Ladies and gentleman, I introduce to you the first, the only, undefeated, undisputed true champion of the universe…SEX.

Peace out ya fornicating freaks

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Filed under Philosophy, Sexuality

PONDERING DATING TIPS FOR WOMEN–LESSON 3

Greetings from the mountain top…

Today we continue our lessons to assist the women of the world in finding a man who will make their days blissful, amazing, intense, passionate, and orgasmic.  Or, perhaps, just to help find a dude capable of doing a decent job of mowing the lawn.  (I was told once that women marry men because vibrators can’t mow the lawn, but I’m hoping that was in jest).

The lesson today–Go past your biology.

Humans, at our core, are animals.  There can be no argument about that.  Sometimes, such as during passionate sex or when defending a loved one from attack, this is an especially good quality.  When looking for a mate, however, female biology can be an extreme hindrance to finding love.

Not so long ago our biologic imperative was relevant and necessary:  Look for a strong, dominant, bad boy and know on an instinctive level that your tribe or your family will be protected and safe.  Logical.

Today, however, the bad boy rarely serves a genuine purpose other than to make for good television, trashy romance novels, or lead singers in rock bands.

To be protected, in the modern era, a man of knowledge and calm is actually more advantageous than the chest-pounding Neanderthal.  Sure, Bill Gates may not rock your world on first glance, but I’d say he’s done a pretty good job protecting his family, dominating the world, and being the ‘bad boy’ of the current era.  Bill and his ilk are to the modern world what Genghis Kahn or Teddy Roosevelt or Chuck Norris were to theirs–dominant forces you just don’t fuck with.

Ladies, listen to The Guru. There are amazing men all around you and they are actually in the majority for the first time in history.  They simply aren’t what the genetic biologic imperative pushes toward. The cliche ‘bad boy’ is increasingly useless and their numbers are rapidly dwindling which is exactly why finding one is so difficult (unless you enjoy conjugal visits at the prison).

Biology takes eons to evolve. Civilization, however, is changing faster than a 14-year-old girl’s emotions and the smart women are keeping up with the times.

Set aside biology, ladies, and see who can protect and provide and support and be an acceptable partner in the modern age. You’ll find kind, gentle, inquisitive, intelligent men who aren’t much use when it comes to nailing boards, tuning up automobiles, fending off mongrel hordes, or arm wrestling.  They are, however, loyal, caring, attentive and willing to step up to the plate if given the opportunity.

For a variety of reasons, men have rapidly evolved beyond some (key word ‘some‘) of their genetic predispositions to survive in this new civilization (although sexually all is at is ever was in ways both good and bad), but they are rarely the stereotype biology would have you notice.

If you’ll look beyond your instincts, and look clearly at the world around you, you’ll see that biology has fallen behind the times. There are good men available, they are willing to be a life partner, but they are not what your DNA desires.

The world has changed. Perhaps it’s time you change, also.

Peace out ya biological freaks.

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Filed under Dating

PONDERING EDDY PART 4

Greetings from the mountain top…

A 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chick came to me recently. She had been crying and wanted to know why men kept treating her like a slut.

The Guru smiled, recalling words he had once heard his own teacher (a foul-mouthed, rough-edged janitor named Eddy) speak to a young lady in a similar situation many lifetimes ago: ““If you don’t want to be treated like a slut then you should stop spreading your legs.”

Smart man.

Peace out ya slutty freaks

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PONDERING THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING AVERAGE

Greetings from the mountain top…

You in the West are obsessed with being better than average, but a recent study might cause you to rethink that tendency…if you care about getting laid, that is.

According to an article in the Journal of Adolescent Health, Source: “Smart teens don’t have sex (or kiss much either).” 2000 Mar;26(3):213-25, really dumb and really smart kids have far less sex than those who are average. Those on the high end of the range also had first time sex far later than the rest.

Two, four, six, eight,
Who do we appreciate?
Joe Average!
Joe Average!
Joe Average!

Peace out ya overachieving freaks

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PONDERING DATING TIPS FOR MEN–LESSON 3

Greetings from the mountain top…

Male children today we take you into a mystical, magical world that has long perplexed our gender: The desires of women.

You, as a male, are designed to be a hunter. As a modern, hunter, however most males…well….they suck. And I’m not speaking about the bisexual ones, either. You’ve forgotten one fundamental rule of the hunter (blending in with your environment) which brings us to the lesson for today: Smell Like A Woman.

Now before you flaming meterosexuals get your Bed-n-Bath asses in an excited uproar and rush out to buy a body scrub or some emasculating (as opposed to emulsifying) product realize The Guru isn’t being ‘literal’. Look it up–The Guru ain’t a vocabulary teacher.

When The Guru says you must smell like a woman he doesn’t mean flowery perfume, body lotions, and mousse. He means, cleanliness.

Dudes, listen up. You stink. Yeh, yeh I know you showered before you picked her up but you stink. You must shower like a woman to appeal to a woman, and by appealing to a woman you are allowed to get naked with a woman. Starting to see the connections, bucko?

One pass (meaning soap and rinse) through the shower isn’t girl clean. One pass gets the funk off. The second pass, gets the stink off. Lathering and rinsing a third time leaves you smelling…say it with me fellas…CLEAN.

Women. Like. Clean. Write it down. No, seriously…go write it the fuck down. The ladies are all shaking their heads up and down while you’re laughing…and while some other dude is getting naked with an actual, live, he didn’t pay for her woman.

On your third pass through the shower turn the water very cold. Why? Dudes, seriously? You sweat in hot showers. Sweat releases stank. And stank negates everything you’ve been doing. Cold water closes your pores, closed pores stop sweating, sweating stops stank, and no stank means naked women later. It’s a fact.

Oh, and on behalf of the ladies PULEAZE scrub the ever loving shit out of your cock and ass. And put on some clean (as in it JUST got out of the washer where you used laundry detergent) underwear.

The Guru knows of what he speaks male children. The flock of 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chicks (currently from Leadville) who sit at his feet and often on his…but I digress…do so not because The Guru is buff. He isn’t. His saggy buttocks won’t win a best ass contest even if he were the last male ass around. But The Guru is clean.

Ladies love clean. Now seriously…write it the fuck down. You’ll thank me when you’re naked (and feel free to thank me by making a video-tape of your escapades and emailing to mountaintopguru@rocketmail.com).

Peace out ya soon to be clean freaks

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PONDERING IF MONEY CAN BUY HAPPINESS (OR AT LEAST LOVE)

Greetings from the mountain top…

On the rare occasion when The Guru accepts a male student (The Guru plays for only one team and is a very loyal team member…unless, of course, the male student has a very hot girlfriend or a sister who is open to taking handcuffs and…but I digress) the inevitable question arises: Are women drawn to wealth?

Sorry brothers (and sisters), but the overwhelming evidence is a re$ounding YE$$$$$.

A 2009 study, “Effect of manipulated prestige-car ownership on both sex attractiveness ratings”, from Br J Psychol. 2010 Feb;101(Pt 1):69-80. Epub 2009 Mar 19 showed that male models in a Bentley were rated as $ignificantly more attractive as compared to those in a Ford Fiesta. (In a related, equally unsurprising study it was found that women were more attracted to men who shower daily, who don’t live with their mother, and those who can engage in cunnilingus longer than 20 seconds)

As Mae West once said, “I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Believe me rich is better.”

Why do attractive women tend to date wealthy men? Because they can. Of course, women need to also keep in mind that wealthy men tend to date $ignificantly younger women. Why? Because they can.

In matters of the heart, or the libido, it seems that you can buy (or perhaps lease with an option to purchase) love.

Peace out ya money hungry freaks

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Filed under Dating, Philosophy, Sexuality

PONDERING THE COLOR RED

Greetings from the mountain top…

According to the European Journal of Social Psychology men are far more attracted to women wearing red than any other color to which founders of the red light district would respond ‘duh’.

Peace out ya freaks

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