Tag Archives: love

PONDERING THE BENEFITS OF BEING A CONVICTED FELON

 

Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru has lived (within reason in all but two states) a crime-free life, but after reading a recent article (click here to read) he wonders if that choice has been a colossal  mistake.

A Massachusetts convicted killer is getting a sex-change operation–paid for by you, the taxpayer–because it was deemed in his…her…it’s best health interest.

Well hell’s, bells…who knew?  I’m thinking that needing regular sex from 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks is in my best health interest.  Think they’ll pay for that if I get thrown in the slammer?

Peace out ya felonious freaks

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Filed under Current Events, Sexuality

PONDERING ALTERNATE HAND MASTURBATION AND OTHER WAYS TO GET OUT OF A RUT

Greetings from the mountain top…

As much as The Guru hates to admit it, he is human.

Like any human I sometimes get into a rut.  Seriously, how many young woman can you have sex with, how much wine can you drink, how much weed can you smoke, and how much amazing fun can you have before you become stuck in a rut of your own making?  Yeh, life is sometimes tough on the boulder.

Here, then, is a list of a few items to help you break out of your daily rut:

…masturbate with your other hand (it’s not cheating, but it sure as hell feels like it)

…wear your undergarments (assuming you wear any) on the outside

…have a backwards day (eat dinner first thing in the morning, breakfast before bed)

…watch television channels you’ve never watched even if you don’t like the program

….call up a friend you haven’t spoken to in ages

…buy three fruits you’ve never tasted

…walk up to a total stranger and pick up the conversation mid stream (…so that’s why I told her she was out of her mind.  What do you think?)

…go to a movie theater and buy a ticket for the person behind you (then sit behind them and make obnoxious noises the entire time)

…stand backward in an elevator and pretend everyone else has it wrong

…wake up an hour earlier than normal

…turn on your radio (or Pandora or whatever you listen to), and tune in to music you normally ignore

…pick up a coloring book and crayons at the store and channel your inner seven-year-old for an hour

…go to the park and swing

…ask a random stranger at the coffee shop to join your table

…use your opposite hand one entire day for routine tasks

…shop at a different grocery store or reverse your normal pathway at your own store

…sit, face-to-face, with your significant other (without talking or touching) for 30 minutes

…engage in non-penetration sex (come on, use your imagination)

…write a letter to someone famous and actually mail it

…go to a concert of a band you’ve never heard of (and don’t look them up on YouTube first)

…take a wherever trip (pick a direction and wherever you end up is where you meant to go)

Peace out ya routine-based freaks

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Filed under Current Events, Philosophy

PONDERING REGRET AND THE POWER OF LETTING GO

Greetings from the mountain top…

As hard as it is to fathom, sometimes the words of another are better than The Guru’s.

Such is the case with the subjects of regret, forgiveness, and letting go of the past.  Written by Beth Nielsen Chapman and sung by Willie Nelson, the following lyrics answers this pondering perfectly.

Nothing I Can Do About It Now

I’ve got a long list of real good reasons 
For all the things I’ve done 
I’ve got a picture in the back of my mind 
Of what I’ve lost and what I’ve won

 I’ve survived every situation 
Knowing when to freeze and when to run 
And regret is just a memory written on my brow 
And there’s nothing I can do about it now. 

I’ve got a wild and a restless spirit 
I held my price through every deal 
I’ve seen the fire of a woman’s scorn 
Turn her heart of gold to steel 

I’ve got the song of the voice inside me 
Set to the rhythm of the wheel 
And I’ve been dreaming like a child 
Since the cradle broke the bough 
And there’s nothing I can do about it now. 

Running through the changes 
Going through the stages 
Coming round the corners in my life 

Leaving doubt to fate 
Staying out too late 
Waiting for the moon to say goodniight 

And I could cry for the time I’ve wasted 
But that’s a waste of time and tears, 
And I know just what I’d change 
If went back in time somehow 
But there’s nothing I can do about it now.

Running through the changes 
Going through the stages 
Coming round the corners in my life 

Leaving doubt to fate 
Staying out too late 
Waiting for the moon to say goodniight 

And I could cry for the time I’ve wasted 
But that’s a waste of time and tears 
And I know just what I’d change 
If went back in time somehow 
But there’s nothing I can do about it now. 

I’m forgiving everything that forgiveness will allow 
And there’s nothing I can do about it now.

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Filed under Death, Philosophy, religion

PONDERING A MOVIE RECOMMENDATION

 

Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru has long taught about the power of time and how good comes from bad, peace grows from turmoil, and order arises from chaos if only we are patient and allow the change to blossom of it’s own accord.

Recently, I saw a film and the lesson has never been captured  more beautifully or more emotionally.  I highly recommend this movie to you:

Mother and Child, 2009, with Annette Bening, Naomi Watts, Kerry Washington and a cast of others you’ll instantly recognize.

Peace out ya loving freaks

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Filed under Current Events, Movies, Philosophy

PONDERING DATING TIPS FOR WOMEN–LESSON 3

Greetings from the mountain top…

Today we continue our lessons to assist the women of the world in finding a man who will make their days blissful, amazing, intense, passionate, and orgasmic.  Or, perhaps, just to help find a dude capable of doing a decent job of mowing the lawn.  (I was told once that women marry men because vibrators can’t mow the lawn, but I’m hoping that was in jest).

The lesson today–Go past your biology.

Humans, at our core, are animals.  There can be no argument about that.  Sometimes, such as during passionate sex or when defending a loved one from attack, this is an especially good quality.  When looking for a mate, however, female biology can be an extreme hindrance to finding love.

Not so long ago our biologic imperative was relevant and necessary:  Look for a strong, dominant, bad boy and know on an instinctive level that your tribe or your family will be protected and safe.  Logical.

Today, however, the bad boy rarely serves a genuine purpose other than to make for good television, trashy romance novels, or lead singers in rock bands.

To be protected, in the modern era, a man of knowledge and calm is actually more advantageous than the chest-pounding Neanderthal.  Sure, Bill Gates may not rock your world on first glance, but I’d say he’s done a pretty good job protecting his family, dominating the world, and being the ‘bad boy’ of the current era.  Bill and his ilk are to the modern world what Genghis Kahn or Teddy Roosevelt or Chuck Norris were to theirs–dominant forces you just don’t fuck with.

Ladies, listen to The Guru. There are amazing men all around you and they are actually in the majority for the first time in history.  They simply aren’t what the genetic biologic imperative pushes toward. The cliche ‘bad boy’ is increasingly useless and their numbers are rapidly dwindling which is exactly why finding one is so difficult (unless you enjoy conjugal visits at the prison).

Biology takes eons to evolve. Civilization, however, is changing faster than a 14-year-old girl’s emotions and the smart women are keeping up with the times.

Set aside biology, ladies, and see who can protect and provide and support and be an acceptable partner in the modern age. You’ll find kind, gentle, inquisitive, intelligent men who aren’t much use when it comes to nailing boards, tuning up automobiles, fending off mongrel hordes, or arm wrestling.  They are, however, loyal, caring, attentive and willing to step up to the plate if given the opportunity.

For a variety of reasons, men have rapidly evolved beyond some (key word ‘some‘) of their genetic predispositions to survive in this new civilization (although sexually all is at is ever was in ways both good and bad), but they are rarely the stereotype biology would have you notice.

If you’ll look beyond your instincts, and look clearly at the world around you, you’ll see that biology has fallen behind the times. There are good men available, they are willing to be a life partner, but they are not what your DNA desires.

The world has changed. Perhaps it’s time you change, also.

Peace out ya biological freaks.

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Filed under Dating

PONDERING THE TRUTH OF PARTS AND WHOLE, LOVE, AND PARENTING

Greetings from the mountain top…

With 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chicks constantly flocking to The Guru in search of enlightenment, a major high, and the pleasures of constant co-ed puppy piles one might think that teaching is forgotten. But, as The Guru must come up for air periodically he uses those breaks to teach and to ask questions.

Recently a new addition to the mountain top, a guru-in-training we shall call Bob, asked a most pertinent question: “If, as you teach, God and all Supreme Beings are part of a greater whole, then aren’t we humans also?” Considering that he was surrounded by numerous young women in various states of undress The Guru noted Bob to be a most serious young man.

“Of course,” I sighed heavily, feeling the libidinous nature of the past few hours disappearing as the 20-somethings perked up in anticipation of a lesson.

An overwhelming sense of profound sorrow came between us as I pondered Bob’s question. My intense disappointment filled the air, but recognizing it to be a very private moment the students all remained quiet.

Most parents have an intrinsic connection to other parents.

We teach our children everything we believe to be true—right from wrong, good from bad—and we plant seeds of hope and wisdom and potential. Thinking on many sleepless nights spent praying my students will make wise life choices, I recalled the exact moment I became a true parent (in spirit, although also in reality during past lifetimes). It occurred with the realization I may not always like my children or their decisions but I would, without any possibility of doubt, ALWAYS love them—even if they took the life of another. Recollecting, I took those extraordinary feelings of unconditional love and coupled them with ongoing anxiety and fear that, despite the best of efforts, my children may choose poorly. Tapped in to the intrinsic parental connection, imagining that same depth of complicated emotion on an infinite level, I envisioned the complexity of having limitless children (as with The One) for whom one felt the same.

Free will, it seemed, is a gift given to children at an extreme price to the parent.

“You’re sad,” noted Bob.

“Sometimes,” I replied, with a bit of theatrical exaggeration. Teaching is a performance art as much as a recitation of facts. The 20-somethings giggled, realizing my acting was for their benefit. Bob simply leaned forward. A most serious young man, indeed.

“What is your biggest disappointment?” he queried.

Without hesitation, I firmly replied, “Parts and whole.”

“Jesus Chri…I mean, not that again!”

I let out a laugh born of endless lifetimes. “It always comes back to that, actually. But you need a more detailed answer, don’t you?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Humans, animals, plants…they are parts of the whole.”

“The whole being life?” Bob asked.

“Yes. But,” I continued, “they are all distinctly different.”

“If you insist,” he agreed begrudgingly.

“Am I wrong?”

“Not technically.” Bob moaned. “So, it’s how we differentiate ourselves that bothers you?”

“No.” An Infinitely deep sigh. “It’s why.”

I had the children close their eyes and imagine we were travelling, at light speed, around the earth. We saw tiny huts where people ate with their fingers, cavernous mansions with meals served by hired hands, humble family tables, lunches at corporate meetings, children eating in school cafeterias, and more. The speed of our mental travels made me briefly wonder if they made Dramamine for cerebral travel sickness.

“Bob…everyone…EVERYONE…is the same! You all want to grow, to live, to thrive, to learn, to love, to be happy. Boiled down to basics, you are all ‘one’. Not in the khumbaya, group hug, talking head sense–in reality! It frustrates me to no end that you all continually fail to grasp the concept. That basic, ultimate concept. It is your entire reason for being! To become part of the whole.

“No, it doesn’t mean every one of you live the same life. It doesn’t mean you all choose the rock star existence or the same clothes and toys. It doesn’t mean you enjoy similar comforts or similar experiences. Those things are irrelevant and they’re up to you, anyway. If you don’t like your choices then make new ones. If you’re unhappy with your life then create another!

“It sickens me when I see the concept of free will bastardized to justify treating some parts as inferior to others! Is one drop of the ocean not identical to the entire body?!?”

I recalled a biblical passage about being unable to offend one limb without offending the others. It would be great to credit a religious teacher, but the truth is I heard it recently on an episode of HBO’s Deadwood.

I continued lecturing. “Bob, there are no superior parts! Not ultimately. Yes, some will choose to achieve at a different level economically, physically, intellectually, or spiritually–but I see you all exactly the same. As children. MY children.

“When I see you…parts of the whole…teasing and taunting and hurting and killing one another because of the color of skin or money in a bank account or…and this one REALLY makes me angry…over the NAME you use to talk to The One or the words you reference to learn of that Being?! It’s enough to make one crazy!”

I briefly wondered if a Supreme Being could go crazy and, if so, what would be the committal process. The serious look of Bob and the 20-something hippie chicks, however, brought things swiftly back to focus.

“Do you know what really frustrates me about all this? It’s not the crushed dreams, or the social injustice, or the pain and suffering, or the senseless loss of life. As terrible as all of those things are, it’s not what truly frustrates me. The real frustration is the fact that–pay attention here children–until you all realize you’re each an equal part of the whole, you will never achieve your full potential!”

I paused, breathing heavily.

Bob paused, afraid to breathe.

The 20-something hippie chicks paused, but they weren’t sure why. It just seemed to be the thing to do.

“There is a world beyond what you are all experiencing. It isn’t other-worldly. It’s not heaven or nirvana or any place. Those concepts were created to try and motivate you to come together…to put the parts together on your own so you could truly appreciate the infinite power and the eternal love of the whole. But what The One failed to adequately translate was the internal nature of ‘heaven’ and ‘hell’. We’ve yet to get you to understand the intimacy of these truths, of the fact they can and should be experienced and shared in the here and now. Right this moment!”

As fast as the students could wonder why they weren’t just born into nirvana, I answered.

“You all have parents, Bob. They could give you kids everything you could ever want…and some parents do. But how often, when children are given everything, do they truly appreciate what they have? Rarely. Why? Because they have no context in which to understand the value of the gift. Yin and yang. Without knowing the price there can be no true appreciation. Without true appreciation, the magnitude of what is given is diminished to the point of irrelevancy and the present is wasted.

“Then why even bring children into existence you are wondering?”

They nodded collectively that they were.

“Your parents could have lived their entire life without children, so could I. So why bother?” I started to mention something about a backseat and a leaky condom, but thought better. “To share love. To express love. To give love. Love, Children, love! It’s all about love.” I turned from them to catch my breath.

“If we took even some of the time, energy, money, scheming, and effort we—the parts—put into trying to make ourselves dominant and, instead, worked toward a common wholeness, there would be a level of existence beyond our imaginations. That which we call heaven and nirvana and paradise can exist in the here and now. Tomorrow, if we chose. It is all within our control and within our ability to create—we must simply believe.”

“Is it possible?” Bob asked with the wide eyes of a child. “Is it really possible?”

“Yes. But, unfortunately, it won’t happen until the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain of changing,” I replied with uncharacteristic dejection.

“Will that time ever come?” one of the 20-something hippie chicks asked meekly.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “I simply don’t know.”

Peace out ya loving freaks

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Filed under Philosophy, religion

PONDERING GETTING A MAN’S ATTENTION

Greetings from the mountain top…

Perusing the news, The Guru noted a woman who was arrested for repeatedly poisoning her boyfriend.

The woman’s explanation? “I just wanted him to pay me more attention.”

Whatever happened to lingerie?

Peace out ya freaks

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Filed under Dating, Sexuality

PONDERING EDDY PART 2

Greetings from the mountain top…

A student in Australia wrote recently asking what could be done to attract the attention of someone they found attractive.

The Guru remembered asking a similar question to a man named Eddy–one of my most influential teachers. A foul-mouthed, rough-edged janitor, Eddy’s wise words still ring in my ears:

“Kid,” he said, “You can’t make the fish bite. You can only dangle some good looking bait and hope they’re hungry.”

Peace out ya fishing freaks

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Filed under Dating, Philosophy, Sexuality

PONDERING WHY MEN SLEEP WITH WOMEN THEY DON’T WANT

Greetings from the mountain top…

A student asked me today why men have sex with women they aren’t interested in in terms of a relationship.

“Because women let them,” I answered.

Sometimes this gig isn’t all that difficult.

Peace out ya freaks

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Filed under Dating, Sexuality

PONDERING LIVING A LIFE YOU WON’T REGRET WHEN YOU DIE

Greetings from the mountain top…

Yesterday was a day worth remembering as both the guru two mountains over and a new group of 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chicks (from Colby, Kansas, no less) converged on the mountain top for a delightful day of discussion, contemplation, teaching, meditation, ganja, and naked Twister (all rights reserved).

In between breaks (of which The Guru takes many, indulging in a delightful little bottle of energy) of entwined, naked bliss the discussion turned, of all things, to death. Now for those of you who believe discussing death a midst taut, nubile bodies to be unsavory, unusual, or a touch freakish then I strongly suggest you not attend The 53rd Annual Guru’s Come As Your Favorite Nude Pilgrim 9-day Thanksgiving Feast/Orgy/Bake Sale. THAT is where you’ll see some freaky shit, like this one time when three of 20-somethings took a turkey (basted, no less) and slide their legs around…but I digress.

My regular students know that The Guru has shaken hands with Sir Death on three separate occasions and, as a result, knows the exact thoughts most face at the end. Death is natures way of telling you to slow down, but it also serves the purpose (if you are given a reprieve) of focusing your remaining time on what is truly important rather than what culture deems to be of import.

There were only two things that bounced in The Guru’s enlightened brain as he faced Sir Death: 1) I wish I had had more fun and 2) I wish I had spent more time with those I love.

Material items didn’t even come in to consideration (you really can’t take it with you).
Status was irrelevant (who truly has status when worm dirt?).
Money, while necessary, wasn’t a thought.

Fun. Love.

It’s really why we are given this gift of existence, and it is a gift children. Elections will pass, economies will rise and fall, news headlines will be forgotten, bodies will age, and you will die. This is one game you never win–not ultimately. Sir Death is a master games man and is undefeated in the entire history of the universe.

Have fun.
Love more.
Forget all the other shit as much as possible.

Your days are yours to spend. It’s always a choice. No matter what is on the agenda, no matter what pressures you face, no matter how many lovely women sit naked in front of you and beg that you kneel down with a spatula in one hand and…but I digress.

It’s always a choice and at the end The Guru can guarantee you’ll weigh your choices against two questions:
1) Did you have enough fun?
2) Did you love enough?

Peace out ya not dying soon freak

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