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Greetings from the mountain top…

Once upon a time, when The Guru was a tiny lad, life in America was simple.  Truly.

Like John Mellencamp (I truly miss Johnny Cougar), The Guru was reared in a small town.  Life wasn’t fair or equal or just for all, but it was simple primarily because of the small town and the fact that far less people were roaming the lands.  Bing Crosby played on the radio (we never heard him hit his children), Count Basie and his orchestra calmed our jangled nerves, Gary Cooper stood 30 feet tall on the big screen and always did the right thing, Abbot and Costello made us laugh, Gene Autry kept watch over the prairie (where the hell did they hide the orchestra as he sang while on horseback?) and people strove to do the right thing far more often than not.

People weren’t better or more morale then, contrary to popular opinion.  They simply lacked the anonymity to do wrong.

In a small town (we had party telephone lines then–all houses on a street shared one phone line and you could listen in on your neighbors phone call) anonymity is nonexistent and your choices are instantly broadcast throughout the county.  Do wrong, date a married woman, take some cash out of the till, hit your wife, come home drunk, or lie in business and your neighbors, friends, and relatives know pretty quickly.  Self-policing at it’s finest.

Then the nation exploded, we all migrated to big cities for big opportunities, we became increasingly anonymous, and trouble soon followed.

Peer pressure can be a negative, but it also serves a positive purpose in a civilized society–it keeps us honest and moral.  Chris Rock, one of The Gurus favorite young comedians, says that “Men are as faithful as their options.”  Therein lies the problem.  Too many options (and too much anonymity) lead to too many wrong choices.

The internet, however, is in the process of shrinking the world at an exponential pace which has had the unexpected consequence of yanking our huge, rapidly expanding and anonymous world back into a figurative small town.  Politicians can no longer escape their actions by blending in with the crowd.  School teachers and priests can’t diddle students without the video surfacing on YouTube.  Neighbors can’t steal and jerks can’t escape and wrong-doers are ultimately exposed even in the government (thank you WikiLeaks) because the small town is alive and well albeit online.

The small town of 2012 doesn’t look like the little rest stop in which The Guru was raised.  There isn’t a soda shop or only one traffic light, everyone doesn’t call you by name as you walk down the street, and you probably won’t be visited by the Ladies Auxiliary to be asked to contribute to the Veteran’s Day parade but make no mistake–the small town is alive and well and we should all be thankful.

Thank you Bill Gates (or Al Gore, or whoever the hell wants to take credit) for returning transparency to the universe even if it wasn’t your original intention.  The world is again small and, through positive peer pressure and an increasing lack of anonymity, we’re more and more likely to choose right if only because our ability to get away with wrong is shrinking.

Yes, the internet allows us to hide.  It also prevents us from hiding.  Each incarnation of technological advance seems to strip away a bit more of our anonymity and while that is dubious for privacy rights it is also a positive in terms of the pressure to do right.

Well I was born in a small town
And I live in a small town
Prob’ly die in a small town
Oh, those small – communities  John (Cougar) Mellencamp, 1985

Peace out ya small town freaks

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Greetings from the mountain top…

As much as The Guru hates to admit it, he is human.

Like any human I sometimes get into a rut.  Seriously, how many young woman can you have sex with, how much wine can you drink, how much weed can you smoke, and how much amazing fun can you have before you become stuck in a rut of your own making?  Yeh, life is sometimes tough on the boulder.

Here, then, is a list of a few items to help you break out of your daily rut:

…masturbate with your other hand (it’s not cheating, but it sure as hell feels like it)

…wear your undergarments (assuming you wear any) on the outside

…have a backwards day (eat dinner first thing in the morning, breakfast before bed)

…watch television channels you’ve never watched even if you don’t like the program

….call up a friend you haven’t spoken to in ages

…buy three fruits you’ve never tasted

…walk up to a total stranger and pick up the conversation mid stream (…so that’s why I told her she was out of her mind.  What do you think?)

…go to a movie theater and buy a ticket for the person behind you (then sit behind them and make obnoxious noises the entire time)

…stand backward in an elevator and pretend everyone else has it wrong

…wake up an hour earlier than normal

…turn on your radio (or Pandora or whatever you listen to), and tune in to music you normally ignore

…pick up a coloring book and crayons at the store and channel your inner seven-year-old for an hour

…go to the park and swing

…ask a random stranger at the coffee shop to join your table

…use your opposite hand one entire day for routine tasks

…shop at a different grocery store or reverse your normal pathway at your own store

…sit, face-to-face, with your significant other (without talking or touching) for 30 minutes

…engage in non-penetration sex (come on, use your imagination)

…write a letter to someone famous and actually mail it

…go to a concert of a band you’ve never heard of (and don’t look them up on YouTube first)

…take a wherever trip (pick a direction and wherever you end up is where you meant to go)

Peace out ya routine-based freaks

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Greetings from the mountain top…

The guru two mountains over came to visit this morning and, as we watched the sun rise while enjoying a piping hot cup of mountain goat tea, we began discussing the purpose of sleep.

With a bevy of 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks (currently from Craig) asleep on the floor of the man cave the discourse was either going to be about sleep or the various positions in which seven woman can…but, I digress.

Throughout my many lifetimes I’ve listened to those who bemoan the need for sleep or who crave it and look forward to it.  That those sleep-obsessed parties were unaware of the true purpose of sleep does not lessen the telling nature of their views.  Sleep, you see, is a preparatory activity for death and how one views sleep is a good indicator of how one views death (and life).

There are very few experiences which one cannot share with others–even relieving ones self can be shared (and some actually pay good money to, but again I digress).  Sleep and death, however, are solo activities which one must experience completely alone. Sleep prepares you for death although an argument can be made that death is actually sleeping to an obsessive level.

No matter how much you struggle you ultimately cannot avoid falling asleep anymore than you can you avoid dying.  Both can be delayed, both can be fought, both can be unwanted, but both–ultimately–win.  Make peace with sleep in order to make peace with your inevitable death, but avoid embracing sleep too often or too soon–you do not need to practice dying.

Good luck falling asleep tonight with that factoid rattling in your brain.

Peace out ya sleepy little freaks


Filed under Death, Philosophy


Greetings from the mountain top…

One of my most influential gurus was a foul-mouthed, rough-edged janitor named Eddy.

During a difficult time early in this lifetime, I once asked Eddy how one lives with choices. Especially incorrect choices.

We were sitting in front of a television, watching the NFL draft, when I asked the question but Eddy didn’t speak for a very long time. I never learned if he used these silences to carefully craft his answer, if the bourbon he seemed to be continuously drinking had rotted the receptors of his brain, or if he really didn’t give a shit enough to rush his words.

“It’s draft day, bitch.” Eddy finally said. “You make the best choices you can with the best information you have available just like these NFL teams. Some years are busts, some years are good, a year or two is amazing if you’re lucky and…if you’re really lucky…you might even win a Super Bowl.

“Then again you might just always lose like the fucking Browns.”

Peace out ya NFL-loving freaks


Filed under Current Events, Philosophy


Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru receives many emails from those who wonder why they do not have the life they imagined.  The answer is simple, yet beautifully complex:

We often temporarily find what we imagine, but inevitably we live with what we truly believe.

Peace out ya searching freaks


Filed under Philosophy


Greetings from the mountain top…

With 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chicks constantly flocking to The Guru in search of enlightenment, a major high, and the pleasures of constant co-ed puppy piles one might think that teaching is forgotten. But, as The Guru must come up for air periodically he uses those breaks to teach and to ask questions.

Recently a new addition to the mountain top, a guru-in-training we shall call Bob, asked a most pertinent question: “If, as you teach, God and all Supreme Beings are part of a greater whole, then aren’t we humans also?” Considering that he was surrounded by numerous young women in various states of undress The Guru noted Bob to be a most serious young man.

“Of course,” I sighed heavily, feeling the libidinous nature of the past few hours disappearing as the 20-somethings perked up in anticipation of a lesson.

An overwhelming sense of profound sorrow came between us as I pondered Bob’s question. My intense disappointment filled the air, but recognizing it to be a very private moment the students all remained quiet.

Most parents have an intrinsic connection to other parents.

We teach our children everything we believe to be true—right from wrong, good from bad—and we plant seeds of hope and wisdom and potential. Thinking on many sleepless nights spent praying my students will make wise life choices, I recalled the exact moment I became a true parent (in spirit, although also in reality during past lifetimes). It occurred with the realization I may not always like my children or their decisions but I would, without any possibility of doubt, ALWAYS love them—even if they took the life of another. Recollecting, I took those extraordinary feelings of unconditional love and coupled them with ongoing anxiety and fear that, despite the best of efforts, my children may choose poorly. Tapped in to the intrinsic parental connection, imagining that same depth of complicated emotion on an infinite level, I envisioned the complexity of having limitless children (as with The One) for whom one felt the same.

Free will, it seemed, is a gift given to children at an extreme price to the parent.

“You’re sad,” noted Bob.

“Sometimes,” I replied, with a bit of theatrical exaggeration. Teaching is a performance art as much as a recitation of facts. The 20-somethings giggled, realizing my acting was for their benefit. Bob simply leaned forward. A most serious young man, indeed.

“What is your biggest disappointment?” he queried.

Without hesitation, I firmly replied, “Parts and whole.”

“Jesus Chri…I mean, not that again!”

I let out a laugh born of endless lifetimes. “It always comes back to that, actually. But you need a more detailed answer, don’t you?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Humans, animals, plants…they are parts of the whole.”

“The whole being life?” Bob asked.

“Yes. But,” I continued, “they are all distinctly different.”

“If you insist,” he agreed begrudgingly.

“Am I wrong?”

“Not technically.” Bob moaned. “So, it’s how we differentiate ourselves that bothers you?”

“No.” An Infinitely deep sigh. “It’s why.”

I had the children close their eyes and imagine we were travelling, at light speed, around the earth. We saw tiny huts where people ate with their fingers, cavernous mansions with meals served by hired hands, humble family tables, lunches at corporate meetings, children eating in school cafeterias, and more. The speed of our mental travels made me briefly wonder if they made Dramamine for cerebral travel sickness.

“Bob…everyone…EVERYONE…is the same! You all want to grow, to live, to thrive, to learn, to love, to be happy. Boiled down to basics, you are all ‘one’. Not in the khumbaya, group hug, talking head sense–in reality! It frustrates me to no end that you all continually fail to grasp the concept. That basic, ultimate concept. It is your entire reason for being! To become part of the whole.

“No, it doesn’t mean every one of you live the same life. It doesn’t mean you all choose the rock star existence or the same clothes and toys. It doesn’t mean you enjoy similar comforts or similar experiences. Those things are irrelevant and they’re up to you, anyway. If you don’t like your choices then make new ones. If you’re unhappy with your life then create another!

“It sickens me when I see the concept of free will bastardized to justify treating some parts as inferior to others! Is one drop of the ocean not identical to the entire body?!?”

I recalled a biblical passage about being unable to offend one limb without offending the others. It would be great to credit a religious teacher, but the truth is I heard it recently on an episode of HBO’s Deadwood.

I continued lecturing. “Bob, there are no superior parts! Not ultimately. Yes, some will choose to achieve at a different level economically, physically, intellectually, or spiritually–but I see you all exactly the same. As children. MY children.

“When I see you…parts of the whole…teasing and taunting and hurting and killing one another because of the color of skin or money in a bank account or…and this one REALLY makes me angry…over the NAME you use to talk to The One or the words you reference to learn of that Being?! It’s enough to make one crazy!”

I briefly wondered if a Supreme Being could go crazy and, if so, what would be the committal process. The serious look of Bob and the 20-something hippie chicks, however, brought things swiftly back to focus.

“Do you know what really frustrates me about all this? It’s not the crushed dreams, or the social injustice, or the pain and suffering, or the senseless loss of life. As terrible as all of those things are, it’s not what truly frustrates me. The real frustration is the fact that–pay attention here children–until you all realize you’re each an equal part of the whole, you will never achieve your full potential!”

I paused, breathing heavily.

Bob paused, afraid to breathe.

The 20-something hippie chicks paused, but they weren’t sure why. It just seemed to be the thing to do.

“There is a world beyond what you are all experiencing. It isn’t other-worldly. It’s not heaven or nirvana or any place. Those concepts were created to try and motivate you to come together…to put the parts together on your own so you could truly appreciate the infinite power and the eternal love of the whole. But what The One failed to adequately translate was the internal nature of ‘heaven’ and ‘hell’. We’ve yet to get you to understand the intimacy of these truths, of the fact they can and should be experienced and shared in the here and now. Right this moment!”

As fast as the students could wonder why they weren’t just born into nirvana, I answered.

“You all have parents, Bob. They could give you kids everything you could ever want…and some parents do. But how often, when children are given everything, do they truly appreciate what they have? Rarely. Why? Because they have no context in which to understand the value of the gift. Yin and yang. Without knowing the price there can be no true appreciation. Without true appreciation, the magnitude of what is given is diminished to the point of irrelevancy and the present is wasted.

“Then why even bring children into existence you are wondering?”

They nodded collectively that they were.

“Your parents could have lived their entire life without children, so could I. So why bother?” I started to mention something about a backseat and a leaky condom, but thought better. “To share love. To express love. To give love. Love, Children, love! It’s all about love.” I turned from them to catch my breath.

“If we took even some of the time, energy, money, scheming, and effort we—the parts—put into trying to make ourselves dominant and, instead, worked toward a common wholeness, there would be a level of existence beyond our imaginations. That which we call heaven and nirvana and paradise can exist in the here and now. Tomorrow, if we chose. It is all within our control and within our ability to create—we must simply believe.”

“Is it possible?” Bob asked with the wide eyes of a child. “Is it really possible?”

“Yes. But, unfortunately, it won’t happen until the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain of changing,” I replied with uncharacteristic dejection.

“Will that time ever come?” one of the 20-something hippie chicks asked meekly.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “I simply don’t know.”

Peace out ya loving freaks

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Filed under Philosophy, religion


Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru has lived many lifetimes, and many years in this particular incarnation, and has found a few immutable truths–aka the secret to life:

1) Masturbate often

2) Love occasionally

3) Read something interesting daily

4) Mix in some vegetables every now and then

Peace out ya freaks

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