Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru and his saggy buttocks are angrier than a eunuch who discovers an all-you-can-fuck for $100 whore house.

A Grande Island, Nebraska school (using the word island in a land-locked state makes as much sense as opening a Starbucks in Provo, Utah) is asking a three-year-old deaf boy to change his name because the sign language symbol for his name (Hunter) violates school policy against anything that looks like a weapon.

I have a sign for those school officials and it only takes one finger to create.

Peace out ya signing freaks

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Greetings from the mountain top…

Part of the job of a guru is attempting to make sense of difficult subjects, questions, and debates.  Part of that process is having the patience to walk completely around a topic (sometimes for years), to poke and prod, to not form rapid, emotional conclusions and then to set the topic aside for a while before ultimately issuing an answer.

All of that is a polite way of saying that this lesson isn’t one entered in to lightly.

Let me save some time for those of you, on either side of the abortion issue, who may be lighting torches and heading to the mountain top–there is no opinion or ultimate answer in the words to follow.  Just a dissection of what has passed for intelligent discourse these past decades.

In the movie The Wizard of Oz Dorothy and her band of misfits, after asking a simple request from an ‘all powerful’ being, were sent on a seemingly impossible task–bring back the broom of the Wicked Witch of the West.  The wizard knew the task a waste of time which was exactly the point–get those pesky thinkers out of his midst before they ruined a good gig.

So it is with politicians and the election-time rehashing of the debate on abortion.

The Guru finds it most interesting that–as with homosexual marriage–the abortion debate tends to most often rear it’s head around election time.  It could be said elections are the ideal opportunity to discuss what is really important, but The Guru is more cynical (you try living multiple lifetimes and not becoming a tad jaded about politicians) and believes those who orchestrate such debates do so to distract us all from the real question; namely, how the fuck are you doing–Mr. Politician–at the job (representing our needs) you were elected for and handsomely paid to do?

The truth is the ‘powers-that-be’ would much rather we argue amongst ourselves while they diddle us in the nether regions.

The typical questions of whether or not abortion is a woman’s choice, an abomination before God , an affront to nature, or none of our damn business is always framed within such narrow terms that I laugh out loud at the absurdity of ever finding a common answer.

For example, the argument that a woman can do with her body whatever she chooses –absurd.  Can she sell her pussy for money?  Nope–ask The Mayflower Madam or Heidi Fleiss or any crack whore on a big city street.  Can a woman, or any man for that matter, take their own life?  Well, yes you technically can…but it’s illegal.  What about selling an organ for profit–a kidney, for example?  Again, you cannot and will be swiftly arrested and prosecuted should you try.

Whether or not those actions should be legal is an entirely different debate, but please don’t toss out the ‘woman’s right’ argument.  It holds no water regardless of court decisions.

So abortion is an abomination against God’s will?  The Bible (if that’s what you choose to follow) does have a commandment against taking a life and those who believe that text should adhere to it, but what about non-Christians? Should they have to follow the rules of a religion that isn’t theirs?  Isn’t forcing ones religious beliefs into the courtroom the same thing feared by Christians about Islamic fundamentalists and Sharia law?   If it is right for Christians to force their belief on others in one topic (abortion) then why is it not right for all of their beliefs to be forced on all others as well?

I hear you saying that this is a Christian nation and we should live by God’s law. Actually, bucko, no.  It isn’t.  The United States of America is a nation of freedom to choose your own religion and that freedom has led to a majority of citizens choosing Christianity.  That’s not the same as a nation based on one particular ideology.  In fact, that’s the antithesis of the desires of our founding fathers.

Then abortion must be against nature because nature always protects life, especially the life of the young, correct?  Again, the argument doesn’t hold.  Infantcide in the animal kingdom is very common (in particular among primates, cats, dogs, rodents, insects, and fish) and occurs for numerous reasons including: to gain food, to gain increased access to nesting sites or space, to avoid caring for unrelated offspring, and to bias the sex ratio of the litter along with a multitude of other reasons.

Children, none of the traditional arguments about abortion (pro or con) hold water when thoroughly examined, and The Guru has examined them since well before Roe v Wade.  What tends to happen instead of true examination of this issue, unfortunately, is that rhetoric is increased, embers are flamed during election season, and rational discourse disappears like a fart in the wind.

There is no answer because abortion is a koan (look it up, The Guru ain’t a vocabulary teacher) and it is a tool used to distract us from the issues destined to overwhelm our society.  The next time a politician raises the issue of abortion or homosexual marriage calm your emotions and think–it’s not a four-letter word–about what this individual could possibly not want you to think about.

What are they truly hiding behind the curtain?

Yes, children, sometimes a guru never reaches an answer because the question asked is intentionally unsolvable.  A koan.  Some tasks, or questions, are meant to be a fool’s errand whether it be claiming a broom or debating that which has no answer.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain,” Dorothy and her crew were told by the Wizard.  Perhaps it’s time you did paid attention.

Peace out ya yellow brick freaks

<a href=”http://www.hypersmash.com”>www.hypersmash.com</a&gt;


Filed under Current Events, Philosophy, Politics, religion


Greetings from the mountain top…

One of my most influential gurus was a foul-mouthed, rough-edged janitor named Eddy.

During a difficult time early in this lifetime, I once asked Eddy how one lives with choices. Especially incorrect choices.

We were sitting in front of a television, watching the NFL draft, when I asked the question but Eddy didn’t speak for a very long time. I never learned if he used these silences to carefully craft his answer, if the bourbon he seemed to be continuously drinking had rotted the receptors of his brain, or if he really didn’t give a shit enough to rush his words.

“It’s draft day, bitch.” Eddy finally said. “You make the best choices you can with the best information you have available just like these NFL teams. Some years are busts, some years are good, a year or two is amazing if you’re lucky and…if you’re really lucky…you might even win a Super Bowl.

“Then again you might just always lose like the fucking Browns.”

Peace out ya NFL-loving freaks


Filed under Current Events, Philosophy


Greetings from the mountain top…

Today we continue our lessons to assist the women of the world in finding a man who will make their days blissful, amazing, intense, passionate, and orgasmic.  Or, perhaps, just to help find a dude capable of doing a decent job of mowing the lawn.  (I was told once that women marry men because vibrators can’t mow the lawn, but I’m hoping that was in jest).

The lesson today–Go past your biology.

Humans, at our core, are animals.  There can be no argument about that.  Sometimes, such as during passionate sex or when defending a loved one from attack, this is an especially good quality.  When looking for a mate, however, female biology can be an extreme hindrance to finding love.

Not so long ago our biologic imperative was relevant and necessary:  Look for a strong, dominant, bad boy and know on an instinctive level that your tribe or your family will be protected and safe.  Logical.

Today, however, the bad boy rarely serves a genuine purpose other than to make for good television, trashy romance novels, or lead singers in rock bands.

To be protected, in the modern era, a man of knowledge and calm is actually more advantageous than the chest-pounding Neanderthal.  Sure, Bill Gates may not rock your world on first glance, but I’d say he’s done a pretty good job protecting his family, dominating the world, and being the ‘bad boy’ of the current era.  Bill and his ilk are to the modern world what Genghis Kahn or Teddy Roosevelt or Chuck Norris were to theirs–dominant forces you just don’t fuck with.

Ladies, listen to The Guru. There are amazing men all around you and they are actually in the majority for the first time in history.  They simply aren’t what the genetic biologic imperative pushes toward. The cliche ‘bad boy’ is increasingly useless and their numbers are rapidly dwindling which is exactly why finding one is so difficult (unless you enjoy conjugal visits at the prison).

Biology takes eons to evolve. Civilization, however, is changing faster than a 14-year-old girl’s emotions and the smart women are keeping up with the times.

Set aside biology, ladies, and see who can protect and provide and support and be an acceptable partner in the modern age. You’ll find kind, gentle, inquisitive, intelligent men who aren’t much use when it comes to nailing boards, tuning up automobiles, fending off mongrel hordes, or arm wrestling.  They are, however, loyal, caring, attentive and willing to step up to the plate if given the opportunity.

For a variety of reasons, men have rapidly evolved beyond some (key word ‘some‘) of their genetic predispositions to survive in this new civilization (although sexually all is at is ever was in ways both good and bad), but they are rarely the stereotype biology would have you notice.

If you’ll look beyond your instincts, and look clearly at the world around you, you’ll see that biology has fallen behind the times. There are good men available, they are willing to be a life partner, but they are not what your DNA desires.

The world has changed. Perhaps it’s time you change, also.

Peace out ya biological freaks.


Filed under Dating


Greetings from the mountain top…

When not teaching, pondering, playing naked Twister with 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks (currently from Agate), or writing The Guru enjoys watching sports.

Sports are the great equalizer and, on certain occasions, show us what is right with humanity and how we aren’t all that different despite what world leaders would have us believe.

The Little League World Series winds down this weekend, but if you get the opportunity to watch the ABC story about the team from Uganda (this was their first trip to America and to the Series) I dare you to not shed a tear.  Their story proves that we humans are, still, basically good.  The written article (which is excellent) can be found by clicking here, but it lacks the emotionalism of the video.

The Guru was doing guru-stuff in the deep South during integration and recalls watching sports bring together parents of two races by giving them a common cause and a common color (the team color).  The positive reaction of the crowd at Williamsport, PA (home of The Little League World Series) reminded me of the good that came in the south from sports and reminded me that sports, ultimately, are simply a child’s game and that children (including the child inside each of us) just want to enjoy life.

These little boys from Uganda laugh, they cry, they miss their parents, they play hard, they smile, they struggle and they want to do something special–like everyone else.  We aren’t all that different, children.  In fact, we’re pretty much alike when one takes the time to see past the surface differences.

Look for sameness, not difference, and you’ll find it in every person you meet every single day of your life.  That, ultimately, is our saving grace.

Peace out ya baseball freaks

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Filed under Current Events, Philosophy


Greetings from the mountain top…

Neil Armstrong, the first person to set foot on the moon, died today.

For those too young to recall, the world (literally) was glued to the television as Mr. Armstrong stepped out of the lunar module, down the ladder, and onto the surface of the moon.

His footprint changed, forever, how we all viewed this cosmos in which we live and ushered in a new era of possibilities.  From that day forward, thinkers of the world have repeated the phrase “If we can land on the moon then I wonder if we can…”

“This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” Neil Armstrong July 21, 1969

Peace out ya lunar freaks

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Greetings from the mountain top…

When The Guru is not sitting on his boulder, saggy buttocks clinched in a desperate attempt to not fall into the ravine, he is in his man cave studying, writing, and watching ESPN.

One particular day a 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chick student we shall call Candy walked in as The Guru was typing furiously on the computer (which means both index fingers were cranking out somewhere in the neighborhood of 10-12 words per minute).

“So…” she queried.

No answer.

“Um…excuse me. What are you doing?”

My reply stunned her. “Hooking up.”

“Excuse you?” The fact she could utter even two words was surprising. Such is the power of shock as a teaching tool.

“Hooking up. You know…friends with benefits, no strings attached fun, looking for a kegger, trolling the Internet, flaming, posting, answering personal ads, twittering, killing time. Ain’t no thang, dog.”

It was her turn to laugh out loud. The Guru may be eternal, infinite, omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient, but he is not hip.

With her thought, I snickered. “I’m avoiding, Candy. Like everyone else seems to be doing. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?”

It never occurred to her that The Guru knew about FWB, NSA, or the like.

“Avoiding?” she asked. “Looks like you’re trying to do anything but avoid. Looks like you’re trying to engage.”

“Funny how looks aren’t always accurate, isn’t it?”

Momentarily missing the message, she was mesmerized as I opened hundreds of windows and never experienced the slightest slowdown in computer speed (The Guru has powerful connections, not to mention well-placed former students with access to experimental data lines): Match, Flixster, Flickr, StumbleUpon, LiveJournal, Tumblr, Multiply, MyHeritage, MyYearbook, Netlog, Orkut, Plaxo, Reunion, Sonico, Viadeo, Wayn, Xanga, Craigslist, eHarmony, Bebo, Classmates, LinkedIn, PlentyOfFish, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, IMs, get-rich-quick schemes, male enhancement ads, promises to cut utility costs 50%, and so many more.

“This was in answer to your question, Candy.”

She had not asked a question, and looked at me perplexed.

“You wondered why the concepts I’m teaching make such sense to you when…your words here not mine…when you aren’t ‘exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer’.” I grinned broadly and she blushed deeply.

“Here is your answer – avoidance. While on the mountain top you are isolated without distraction and you must listen without interruption.  With focused, uninterrupted listening, you can easily comprehend most anything. Soon, though, you will wake up in a your own bed (a very sad thought, indeed, considering the fact that you could bounce a quarter off of her…but, I digress) and you’ll return to being obsessively busy avoiding that which you most fear. ”

Her confusion was obvious so, for once, I continued without any prodding.

“You…all of you…you’re terrified of being alone. You go to any lengths to avoid being alone with your thoughts, your reflections, your memories, your decisions…with The One.

“Drugs, alcohol, random sex with strangers, mind numbing hours of television and movies and Internet sites, attending social functions, rearranging closets, gambling, pornography, reality shows, gossip, texting, fantasy leagues, make-up parties, obsessive gym time, gaming, instant messages, reflecting on the ‘good ole days’, lessons and more lessons, working day and night, emails, taking surveys, talking on the telephone, talking on the cell phone, talking on the internet, talking, Talking, TALKING!

“Why don’t you ever take time to listen?”

In her gut she knew I was referring to mankind, but her head hung as my words hit her reality directly between the eyes.

“There is no quiet in your lives because quiet means you’re alone. Being alone means you have to hear, hearing means you must listen, and listening means you have to think. Thinking requires you to pay attention and thinking may show you how empty your choices have made your life. Thinking may mean you realize how lost you are and that possibility terrifies each and every one of you.”

I was right and she knew it which frightened her even more.

“It’s the root of the problem, actually. It’s why you cling so desperately to any flotsam offering the appearance of salvation, especially if that salvation is handed to you on a silver platter requiring nothing more than weekly meetings, donations, and a few repeated words. Find a solution with roots in real truth and you cling even tighter because if that limited truth is challenged and proven wrong, you’re alone again. Even worse, you’re alone with a falsehood. Heaven forbid you spend just a few minutes alone with The One each day.”

She wondered if what I was saying explained, in any way, the viciousness with which some religious leaders and their congregations so often attack other beliefs. One look in my direction was all she needed in answer.

Tears flowed down my cheeks like tiny rivers.

Peace out ya fearful freaks


Filed under Philosophy, religion


Greetings from the mountain top…

A few mornings ago the guru two mountains over came by to share a cup of mountain goat tea with me and my new student.

My guru-in-training (who we shall call Bob) has yet to develop a taste for the brew (the terms wretching, gagging, choking, and puking are applicable to his reaction), but as Bob is a most serious young man he continues to attempt to evolve his palate. Neither my guru friend nor I have have the heart (the decency actually) to let him know we both lost most of our taste buds  long ago and are just too cheap to buy real tea. Life lessons must come at a price.

During our morning conversation, Bob asked me a most insightful question and my guru friend concurred that he, too, often pondered it: ‘How does a guru manage to get his message across?’

I chuckled as I remembered asking as similar question to one of my gurus, a foul-mouthed, rough-edged janitor named Eddy. I paraphrased, updated, and cleaned up his answer but the truth remained the same:


“Not even Jesus Christ could break through today…so you do the best you can with those who choose to listen.”

Peace out ya overloaded freaks.


Filed under Current Events, Philosophy, religion


Greeting from the mountain top…

Every once in a while The Guru comes across something that even he can’t begin to ponder.  Case in point, this recent news article:

Breastfeeding Dad Raises New Questions About Motherhood

Peace out ya…oh, fuck it I need a joint


Filed under Current Events, Philosophy, Sexuality


Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru receives many emails from those who wonder why they do not have the life they imagined.  The answer is simple, yet beautifully complex:

We often temporarily find what we imagine, but inevitably we live with what we truly believe.

Peace out ya searching freaks


Filed under Philosophy