Category Archives: Sexuality

PONDERING THE BENEFITS OF BEING A CONVICTED FELON

 

Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru has lived (within reason in all but two states) a crime-free life, but after reading a recent article (click here to read) he wonders if that choice has been a colossal  mistake.

A Massachusetts convicted killer is getting a sex-change operation–paid for by you, the taxpayer–because it was deemed in his…her…it’s best health interest.

Well hell’s, bells…who knew?  I’m thinking that needing regular sex from 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks is in my best health interest.  Think they’ll pay for that if I get thrown in the slammer?

Peace out ya felonious freaks

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PONDERING THE UNDISPUTED, UNDEFEATED CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE–SEX

Greetings from the mountain top…

The guru two mountains over stopped by recently to discuss current events.  As usual, we spent more time laughing than discussing mainly because the less time we spend in the lands down below the more absurd (or is that entertaining?) the show becomes.

We humans think we have progressed so far–Electricity, space flight, artificial hearts, two million cable channels, a black president, smart phones, nanobots, Jersey Shore, and more.   We are the epitome of evolution and a legend in our own minds.  Why, with our superior minds and opposable thumbs, there is nothing we cannot do, no obstacle we can’t overcome, no advance we cannot make.  We’re king of the world!

Well, almost.

As we head to the backstretch of 2012 I call to your attention the tiniest sampling of  headlines from this year:

Minnesota Lawmaker in Rest Stop Sex Scandal with Teen Boys Changes Mind, Drops Re-election Bid

Air Force Relieves Commander Over Sex Scandal

Secret Service Agents Fired in Sex Scandal

Anthony Weiner Sexting Scandal

Allison Meyers; the RNC Young Donor Director Fired Over a Bondage Club Scandal

Before you shake your head at the downfall of modern man, realize that sex has never been defeated at any point in history.

Anyone remember a couple named Adam and Eve? What about Julius Caesar and Cleopatra? An obsessed freak named King Henry VIII?  How about Benjamin Franklin, connoisseur extraordinaire of whores? Thomas Jefferson and his love toy (and slave) Sally Jennings? Our only gay president, James Buchanan (I shit you not)?, The Victoria’s Secret of his time, J. Edgar Hoover? Warren Harding  who had a fifteen year affair with the wife of a close friend?  You get the point.

No matter how far we progress, how intelligent we become, how advanced our brains, we are–and shall remain–animals subject to our base drives, our instinctual urges, and the need to get our freak on.

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!  Undefeated throughout history.  Stronger than any human.  Ladies and gentleman, I introduce to you the first, the only, undefeated, undisputed true champion of the universe…SEX.

Peace out ya fornicating freaks

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PONDERING…HELL, I HAVEN’T A CLUE

Greeting from the mountain top…

Every once in a while The Guru comes across something that even he can’t begin to ponder.  Case in point, this recent news article:

Breastfeeding Dad Raises New Questions About Motherhood

Peace out ya…oh, fuck it I need a joint

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PONDERING PORNOGRAPHY

Greetings from the mountain top…

The guru two mountains over stopped by the boulder this morning, but he wasn’t his usually happy, horny self.

“It’s all over,” he said with puppy dog eyes.  “It’s just all over.”

Apparently the porn industry has stopped production after one of the ‘actors’ (how much acting does it take to fuck?) was diagnosed with syphilis.

No new porn.  It’s such a shame that there isn’t hundreds of thousands of hours of porn already posted, free, on the internet.  Such a sad day indeed.  I suggest we all pause  in a moment of silence…and masturbate.

Peace out ya pornographic freaks

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PONDERING EDDY PART 4

Greetings from the mountain top…

A 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chick came to me recently. She had been crying and wanted to know why men kept treating her like a slut.

The Guru smiled, recalling words he had once heard his own teacher (a foul-mouthed, rough-edged janitor named Eddy) speak to a young lady in a similar situation many lifetimes ago: ““If you don’t want to be treated like a slut then you should stop spreading your legs.”

Smart man.

Peace out ya slutty freaks

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PONDERING GETTING A MAN’S ATTENTION

Greetings from the mountain top…

Perusing the news, The Guru noted a woman who was arrested for repeatedly poisoning her boyfriend.

The woman’s explanation? “I just wanted him to pay me more attention.”

Whatever happened to lingerie?

Peace out ya freaks

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PONDERING EDDY PART 2

Greetings from the mountain top…

A student in Australia wrote recently asking what could be done to attract the attention of someone they found attractive.

The Guru remembered asking a similar question to a man named Eddy–one of my most influential teachers. A foul-mouthed, rough-edged janitor, Eddy’s wise words still ring in my ears:

“Kid,” he said, “You can’t make the fish bite. You can only dangle some good looking bait and hope they’re hungry.”

Peace out ya fishing freaks

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PONDERING WHY MEN SLEEP WITH WOMEN THEY DON’T WANT

Greetings from the mountain top…

A student asked me today why men have sex with women they aren’t interested in in terms of a relationship.

“Because women let them,” I answered.

Sometimes this gig isn’t all that difficult.

Peace out ya freaks

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PONDERING THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING AVERAGE

Greetings from the mountain top…

You in the West are obsessed with being better than average, but a recent study might cause you to rethink that tendency…if you care about getting laid, that is.

According to an article in the Journal of Adolescent Health, Source: “Smart teens don’t have sex (or kiss much either).” 2000 Mar;26(3):213-25, really dumb and really smart kids have far less sex than those who are average. Those on the high end of the range also had first time sex far later than the rest.

Two, four, six, eight,
Who do we appreciate?
Joe Average!
Joe Average!
Joe Average!

Peace out ya overachieving freaks

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PONDERING DATING TIPS FOR MEN–LESSON 3

Greetings from the mountain top…

Male children today we take you into a mystical, magical world that has long perplexed our gender: The desires of women.

You, as a male, are designed to be a hunter. As a modern, hunter, however most males…well….they suck. And I’m not speaking about the bisexual ones, either. You’ve forgotten one fundamental rule of the hunter (blending in with your environment) which brings us to the lesson for today: Smell Like A Woman.

Now before you flaming meterosexuals get your Bed-n-Bath asses in an excited uproar and rush out to buy a body scrub or some emasculating (as opposed to emulsifying) product realize The Guru isn’t being ‘literal’. Look it up–The Guru ain’t a vocabulary teacher.

When The Guru says you must smell like a woman he doesn’t mean flowery perfume, body lotions, and mousse. He means, cleanliness.

Dudes, listen up. You stink. Yeh, yeh I know you showered before you picked her up but you stink. You must shower like a woman to appeal to a woman, and by appealing to a woman you are allowed to get naked with a woman. Starting to see the connections, bucko?

One pass (meaning soap and rinse) through the shower isn’t girl clean. One pass gets the funk off. The second pass, gets the stink off. Lathering and rinsing a third time leaves you smelling…say it with me fellas…CLEAN.

Women. Like. Clean. Write it down. No, seriously…go write it the fuck down. The ladies are all shaking their heads up and down while you’re laughing…and while some other dude is getting naked with an actual, live, he didn’t pay for her woman.

On your third pass through the shower turn the water very cold. Why? Dudes, seriously? You sweat in hot showers. Sweat releases stank. And stank negates everything you’ve been doing. Cold water closes your pores, closed pores stop sweating, sweating stops stank, and no stank means naked women later. It’s a fact.

Oh, and on behalf of the ladies PULEAZE scrub the ever loving shit out of your cock and ass. And put on some clean (as in it JUST got out of the washer where you used laundry detergent) underwear.

The Guru knows of what he speaks male children. The flock of 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chicks (currently from Leadville) who sit at his feet and often on his…but I digress…do so not because The Guru is buff. He isn’t. His saggy buttocks won’t win a best ass contest even if he were the last male ass around. But The Guru is clean.

Ladies love clean. Now seriously…write it the fuck down. You’ll thank me when you’re naked (and feel free to thank me by making a video-tape of your escapades and emailing to mountaintopguru@rocketmail.com).

Peace out ya soon to be clean freaks

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