Category Archives: Dating


Greetings from the mountain top…

Today we continue our lessons to assist the women of the world in finding a man who will make their days blissful, amazing, intense, passionate, and orgasmic.  Or, perhaps, just to help find a dude capable of doing a decent job of mowing the lawn.  (I was told once that women marry men because vibrators can’t mow the lawn, but I’m hoping that was in jest).

The lesson today–Go past your biology.

Humans, at our core, are animals.  There can be no argument about that.  Sometimes, such as during passionate sex or when defending a loved one from attack, this is an especially good quality.  When looking for a mate, however, female biology can be an extreme hindrance to finding love.

Not so long ago our biologic imperative was relevant and necessary:  Look for a strong, dominant, bad boy and know on an instinctive level that your tribe or your family will be protected and safe.  Logical.

Today, however, the bad boy rarely serves a genuine purpose other than to make for good television, trashy romance novels, or lead singers in rock bands.

To be protected, in the modern era, a man of knowledge and calm is actually more advantageous than the chest-pounding Neanderthal.  Sure, Bill Gates may not rock your world on first glance, but I’d say he’s done a pretty good job protecting his family, dominating the world, and being the ‘bad boy’ of the current era.  Bill and his ilk are to the modern world what Genghis Kahn or Teddy Roosevelt or Chuck Norris were to theirs–dominant forces you just don’t fuck with.

Ladies, listen to The Guru. There are amazing men all around you and they are actually in the majority for the first time in history.  They simply aren’t what the genetic biologic imperative pushes toward. The cliche ‘bad boy’ is increasingly useless and their numbers are rapidly dwindling which is exactly why finding one is so difficult (unless you enjoy conjugal visits at the prison).

Biology takes eons to evolve. Civilization, however, is changing faster than a 14-year-old girl’s emotions and the smart women are keeping up with the times.

Set aside biology, ladies, and see who can protect and provide and support and be an acceptable partner in the modern age. You’ll find kind, gentle, inquisitive, intelligent men who aren’t much use when it comes to nailing boards, tuning up automobiles, fending off mongrel hordes, or arm wrestling.  They are, however, loyal, caring, attentive and willing to step up to the plate if given the opportunity.

For a variety of reasons, men have rapidly evolved beyond some (key word ‘some‘) of their genetic predispositions to survive in this new civilization (although sexually all is at is ever was in ways both good and bad), but they are rarely the stereotype biology would have you notice.

If you’ll look beyond your instincts, and look clearly at the world around you, you’ll see that biology has fallen behind the times. There are good men available, they are willing to be a life partner, but they are not what your DNA desires.

The world has changed. Perhaps it’s time you change, also.

Peace out ya biological freaks.


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Greetings from the mountain top…

A 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chick came to me recently. She had been crying and wanted to know why men kept treating her like a slut.

The Guru smiled, recalling words he had once heard his own teacher (a foul-mouthed, rough-edged janitor named Eddy) speak to a young lady in a similar situation many lifetimes ago: ““If you don’t want to be treated like a slut then you should stop spreading your legs.”

Smart man.

Peace out ya slutty freaks

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Greetings from the mountain top…

Perusing the news, The Guru noted a woman who was arrested for repeatedly poisoning her boyfriend.

The woman’s explanation? “I just wanted him to pay me more attention.”

Whatever happened to lingerie?

Peace out ya freaks

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Greetings from the mountain top…

A student in Australia wrote recently asking what could be done to attract the attention of someone they found attractive.

The Guru remembered asking a similar question to a man named Eddy–one of my most influential teachers. A foul-mouthed, rough-edged janitor, Eddy’s wise words still ring in my ears:

“Kid,” he said, “You can’t make the fish bite. You can only dangle some good looking bait and hope they’re hungry.”

Peace out ya fishing freaks

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Greetings from the mountain top…

A student asked me today why men have sex with women they aren’t interested in in terms of a relationship.

“Because women let them,” I answered.

Sometimes this gig isn’t all that difficult.

Peace out ya freaks

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Greetings from the mountain top…

Male children today we take you into a mystical, magical world that has long perplexed our gender: The desires of women.

You, as a male, are designed to be a hunter. As a modern, hunter, however most males…well….they suck. And I’m not speaking about the bisexual ones, either. You’ve forgotten one fundamental rule of the hunter (blending in with your environment) which brings us to the lesson for today: Smell Like A Woman.

Now before you flaming meterosexuals get your Bed-n-Bath asses in an excited uproar and rush out to buy a body scrub or some emasculating (as opposed to emulsifying) product realize The Guru isn’t being ‘literal’. Look it up–The Guru ain’t a vocabulary teacher.

When The Guru says you must smell like a woman he doesn’t mean flowery perfume, body lotions, and mousse. He means, cleanliness.

Dudes, listen up. You stink. Yeh, yeh I know you showered before you picked her up but you stink. You must shower like a woman to appeal to a woman, and by appealing to a woman you are allowed to get naked with a woman. Starting to see the connections, bucko?

One pass (meaning soap and rinse) through the shower isn’t girl clean. One pass gets the funk off. The second pass, gets the stink off. Lathering and rinsing a third time leaves you smelling…say it with me fellas…CLEAN.

Women. Like. Clean. Write it down. No, seriously…go write it the fuck down. The ladies are all shaking their heads up and down while you’re laughing…and while some other dude is getting naked with an actual, live, he didn’t pay for her woman.

On your third pass through the shower turn the water very cold. Why? Dudes, seriously? You sweat in hot showers. Sweat releases stank. And stank negates everything you’ve been doing. Cold water closes your pores, closed pores stop sweating, sweating stops stank, and no stank means naked women later. It’s a fact.

Oh, and on behalf of the ladies PULEAZE scrub the ever loving shit out of your cock and ass. And put on some clean (as in it JUST got out of the washer where you used laundry detergent) underwear.

The Guru knows of what he speaks male children. The flock of 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chicks (currently from Leadville) who sit at his feet and often on his…but I digress…do so not because The Guru is buff. He isn’t. His saggy buttocks won’t win a best ass contest even if he were the last male ass around. But The Guru is clean.

Ladies love clean. Now seriously…write it the fuck down. You’ll thank me when you’re naked (and feel free to thank me by making a video-tape of your escapades and emailing to

Peace out ya soon to be clean freaks

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Greetings from the mountain top…

On the rare occasion when The Guru accepts a male student (The Guru plays for only one team and is a very loyal team member…unless, of course, the male student has a very hot girlfriend or a sister who is open to taking handcuffs and…but I digress) the inevitable question arises: Are women drawn to wealth?

Sorry brothers (and sisters), but the overwhelming evidence is a re$ounding YE$$$$$.

A 2009 study, “Effect of manipulated prestige-car ownership on both sex attractiveness ratings”, from Br J Psychol. 2010 Feb;101(Pt 1):69-80. Epub 2009 Mar 19 showed that male models in a Bentley were rated as $ignificantly more attractive as compared to those in a Ford Fiesta. (In a related, equally unsurprising study it was found that women were more attracted to men who shower daily, who don’t live with their mother, and those who can engage in cunnilingus longer than 20 seconds)

As Mae West once said, “I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Believe me rich is better.”

Why do attractive women tend to date wealthy men? Because they can. Of course, women need to also keep in mind that wealthy men tend to date $ignificantly younger women. Why? Because they can.

In matters of the heart, or the libido, it seems that you can buy (or perhaps lease with an option to purchase) love.

Peace out ya money hungry freaks


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Greetings from the mountain top…

According to the European Journal of Social Psychology men are far more attracted to women wearing red than any other color to which founders of the red light district would respond ‘duh’.

Peace out ya freaks

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Greetings from the mountain top.

A recent study shows that a man’s likelihood of obtaining a woman’s phone number increases three-fold when accompanied by a dog. Is this a subliminal signal that she’s way into doggie-style sex or that she’s a bitch or that all men are dogs?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Peace out ya canine freaks


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Greetings from the mountain top…

Much wisdom can be found in the mouth of babes, and The Guru does have a fondness for exploring babes for wisdom.

A 20-something, wanna-be hippie chick surprisingly not from Boulder (Nederland, but close enough) was engaged in a deep conversation recently with another nymph and what she had to say was insightful. Even more surprising was the fact that she was stone-cold sober as this chicklette is usually only insightful when in an altered state of consciousness.

“So what is it with dudes?”, she began. “They want you to be a total virgin, but if they think you are they spend all of their time trying to get you to be slutty…but if they know off the bat that you’ve bounced uglies with more than a few fellas they want to spend all of their time trying to save you and make you virginal. I mean, WTF, ya know?”

Such truth from one so young.

There comes a time in dating where the inevitable point of disclosure approaches–how many lovers have you had and what have you done with those lovers?

Listen to The Guru children and listen carefully. NEVER tell the unvarnished truth. Ever. Don’t lie. Only Presidents, presidents-to-be, union chiefs, bankers, 16-year-olds caught taking their mother’s Valium, and CEO’s should lie and only then because it against their genetic makeup to tell the truth.

Truth with the number of past lovers can only result in the virginal or slut path and both are dead ends for a relationship. The only time to be specific with numbers, activities, perversions, and such is if you are a true virgin and even then unless your name is Timothy Tebow (who, by the way, has accomplished more with his professed virginity than Brooke Shields mother could ever have dreamed when she signed up her child for the movie Pretty Baby) you should probably avoid the question. A simple answer is: I’ve had enough to know what I’m doing, but not enough to know it all.

When someone wants to know the truth of your sexual experience it is only because they need to feel reassured or threatened–neither a healthy outcome for a good relationship.

Take the fifth, drink a fifth, or hit fifth gear and get out of the relationship but NEVER disclose reality. If all else fails, just pretend you’re running for president and proudly state “I choose to not disclose.”

Peace out ya non-disclosing freaks

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