Greetings from the mountain top…

Male children today we take you into a mystical, magical world that has long perplexed our gender: The desires of women.

You, as a male, are designed to be a hunter. As a modern, hunter, however most males…well….they suck. And I’m not speaking about the bisexual ones, either. You’ve forgotten one fundamental rule of the hunter (blending in with your environment) which brings us to the lesson for today: Smell Like A Woman.

Now before you flaming meterosexuals get your Bed-n-Bath asses in an excited uproar and rush out to buy a body scrub or some emasculating (as opposed to emulsifying) product realize The Guru isn’t being ‘literal’. Look it up–The Guru ain’t a vocabulary teacher.

When The Guru says you must smell like a woman he doesn’t mean flowery perfume, body lotions, and mousse. He means, cleanliness.

Dudes, listen up. You stink. Yeh, yeh I know you showered before you picked her up but you stink. You must shower like a woman to appeal to a woman, and by appealing to a woman you are allowed to get naked with a woman. Starting to see the connections, bucko?

One pass (meaning soap and rinse) through the shower isn’t girl clean. One pass gets the funk off. The second pass, gets the stink off. Lathering and rinsing a third time leaves you smelling…say it with me fellas…CLEAN.

Women. Like. Clean. Write it down. No, seriously…go write it the fuck down. The ladies are all shaking their heads up and down while you’re laughing…and while some other dude is getting naked with an actual, live, he didn’t pay for her woman.

On your third pass through the shower turn the water very cold. Why? Dudes, seriously? You sweat in hot showers. Sweat releases stank. And stank negates everything you’ve been doing. Cold water closes your pores, closed pores stop sweating, sweating stops stank, and no stank means naked women later. It’s a fact.

Oh, and on behalf of the ladies PULEAZE scrub the ever loving shit out of your cock and ass. And put on some clean (as in it JUST got out of the washer where you used laundry detergent) underwear.

The Guru knows of what he speaks male children. The flock of 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chicks (currently from Leadville) who sit at his feet and often on his…but I digress…do so not because The Guru is buff. He isn’t. His saggy buttocks won’t win a best ass contest even if he were the last male ass around. But The Guru is clean.

Ladies love clean. Now seriously…write it the fuck down. You’ll thank me when you’re naked (and feel free to thank me by making a video-tape of your escapades and emailing to mountaintopguru@rocketmail.com).

Peace out ya soon to be clean freaks

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Filed under Dating, Philosophy, Sexuality

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