PONDERING WHAT THEY DIDN’T TEACH IN HEALTH CLASS–THE CONCLUSION

Greetings from the mountain top…

Today we conclude our lessons on basic sexuality. Remember, as I often (and by often I mean daily if not hourly) tell the throngs of 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks who sit at my feet (or on my….but I digress) practice is essential for mastery. Or you can commit yourself TO a master.

43) 75% of Japanese women own a vibrator. The average worldwide is 47%. Once again, some Asian is kicking your butt. Get to work America! Break out those vibrators and set em to stun.

44) One in five women living with their boyfriend has more than one sexual partner. Remember men, the phrase why buy the cow when you get the milk for free is not as gender-specific as you might think.

45) Inside the female body, sperm cells can survive for up to nine days. Inside a condom, not so much.

46) For up to 70% of women, simultaneous direct stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse is essential for them to reach orgasm. Men, listen to The Guru. Sex should be like Chinese food–it’s not over until everyone gets their cookie.

47) Over 30% of men suffer from premature ejaculation. 10% of men are affected by erectile dysfunction. The rest of you men are just trying to show off.

48) It’s possible to relieve depression through masturbation, but try getting reimbursement from your HMO.

49) The longer a man’s ring finger is compared to his index finger, the more testosterone he has. Sorry ladies, the length of the hand or nose has no bearing on anything.

50) Why does The Guru like to have the woman please herself while he performs orally (prior to intercourse)? Because The Guru is very, very lazy. The average woman can reach orgasm in about 4 minutes through masturbation, while through intercourse, it can take 10 – 20 minutes.

51) Sneezes, along with orgasms, are the only physiological responses that cannot be voluntarily stopped once they have started. Sneezing during orgasm, however, could result in you blowing off your penis.

52) Men! The next time you want to brag about the size of your penis keep this extremely important fact in mind: Straight men tend to have smaller penises than gay men.

53) 85% of women are very satisfied with their partner’s penis size. Technique counts, gentlemen.

54) The majority of women prefer to have sex in the dark. Why? Here’s a hint, gentleman. It’s not because the female body is unattractive.

55) When having sex, black women are 50% more likely to reach orgasm than white women. Sisters are doing their thing.

56) 60% of non-smoking women have had no sexual partners in the past year, while 70% of women who smoke have had more than four lovers over the same timescale–proving the old bathroom wall adage correct: If she smokes she pokes.

57) Within the week, 22% of women tell at least five friends about their first sexual experience with a partner. Yes, her girlfriends are laughing at you for a reason.

58) 68% of men and 59% of women had a sexual liaison with someone in their past, which they have not told their current partner about. The question is, do you really want to know? (Hint: you do not).

Practice, children, practice.

Peace out ya now sexually informed freaks

2 Comments

Filed under Dating, Philosophy, Sexuality

2 responses to “PONDERING WHAT THEY DIDN’T TEACH IN HEALTH CLASS–THE CONCLUSION

  1. judy

    FYI, Guru Guy: Only the first three inches of the inside of the vagina has any nerve endings in it . So, unless a woman likes to get her cervix pounded, it doesn’t matter how big the guy is as most erect penises are more than 3 inches. (I’ll take girth over length any day.)

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