Greetings from the mountain top…

With the throngs of 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks from Boulder who climb to learn from The Guru, I am continuously dismayed at the lack of knowledge most possess about this glorious thing called sex.

Here, then are a few important facts all should know.

1) On average, adult men think about sex every seven seconds.

2) Semen contains zinc and calcium, both of which are proven to prevent tooth decay. Remember that, ladies, the next time you clinch your jaws and say ‘uh uh’.

3) The average size of an erect penis is five inches–unless, of course, you measure by internet standards in which case all men are eight inches and larger

4) You burn about 200 calories during 30 minutes of active sex. The key word is ‘active’. You have to participate, fellows

5) Kissing is excellent for your teeth–the extra saliva helps reduce the risk of decay.

6) Sex cures headaches. Sorry ladies, but that excuse just doesn’t hold water.

7) The proteins in sperm have a tightening affect on skin. Of course, the downside is you have to walk around with sperm on your face.

8) Men who look at porn involving two men and one women produce much more sperm. As a comedian once said, we are all gay on some level it’s just a matter of how much. Scientists say it’s about perceived competition.

9) Some female penguins engage in prostitution in return for nest-building pebbles. It really is the oldest profession in history.

10) There are five pages of porn on the internet for every one non-porn page. Thank goodness we’re winning the war on pornography.

11) Sex is 10 times more effective as a tranquilizer than Valium, but much more difficult to put into a child proof container.

12) 94% of all men lie about their penis size (and only 6%) use extra large condoms. The remaining 6% don’t have to lie.

13) 95% of women now shave down below leading razor manufacturers to ask ‘Why didn’t we think of this sooner?’

14) 25% of women find money makes a many sexier. Donald Trump, ladies?

15) Having sex at least once per week can lower a man’s risk of heart disease by 30%, stroke by 50%, and diabetes by 40%. It has also been shown that men with an active sex life are more likely to live past 80 years.

16) Let’s hear it for the boys! Just a decade ago, only 25% of women reported experiencing orgasm as a result of intercourse. In recent years, this number has risen to about 45%.

17) The average couple spends about 20 minutes engaged in sexual foreplay prior to intercourse leading The Guru to wonder who measures such things and if he should look for a new job

18) Ladies, you think YOUR man is insatiable? The spiny anteater, an egg-laying mammal native to Australia and New Guinea, has a penis with four heads, but only two fit into the female at once.

19) A woman is more likely to want to commit adultery during ovulation than at any other time in her cycle.

20) Telling a convincing lie to someone is much more difficult when you find them sexually attractive. True that. It’s very difficult to think clearly when the blood is rushing to the nether regions.

Remember, children, if nature didn’t intend for us to do it it wouldn’t feel so wonderful.

Peace out ya sex-loving freaks

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Filed under Philosophy, Sexuality

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