Monthly Archives: July 2012

PONDERING DATING TIPS FOR WOMEN–LESSON 1

Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru is an equal-opportunity teacher and understands that women understand men just as well as men understand women. And by understand he means, neither sex has a fucking clue about the other.

Today’s Lesson Ladies: Think like a stripper.

Before you start a mass protest with Gloria Allred in the lead and an email flaming campaign led by Oprah and Angelina Jolie know that The Guru isn’t referring to sex. At least not at this point.

Why, dear ladies, do men enjoy going to strip clubs? Understand this and you will understand how to get, and always keep, the attention of the man you desire.

Do men enjoy over-paying for cheap liquor? No.
Do men really like gagging on cheap perfume that has been applied by the handful? No
Do they enjoy being jostled by other equally horny men? No
Do men really like handing over cash? No
Do they want to be in seedy parts of town where they risk being mugged? No
Do they really want to marry and spend the rest of their lives with an exotic dancer named Candy? (Well, Candy might be an exception, but you see it’s really only because she can be upside down with her tits….but I digress.)

The answer is no, No, NO FUCKING NO.

Men continue visiting strippers because these women are experts at understanding the true nature of the male.

Men, by nature and DNA, are hunters. They are bred to pursue and will pursue, often to the exclusion of all else, until the obtain their goal and then they quickly move on to the next pursuit. It’s biological and no amount of sensitivity training, Alan Alda marathons, or awe-shucks Tim Tebow look at me I’m still a fucking virgin sermons are going to change millions of years of evolutionary reality.

Strippers let the men get close, but not too close. The men can see, but they cannot have. They can desire, but not be fulfilled. Strippers tease and promise and offer and suggest but they never fully deliver.

Think like a stripper ladies–never let your man have everything he wants. Ever. Unless, of course, you are one of my students in which case The Guru should always get exactly what he wants or you may never reach enlightenment…and you do want to reach enlightenment, correct?

As a woman it’s easy to think like a woman (see The Guru’s teachings on ITYTWIT for more detail), but you must think like a man. Never fulfill all of his desires. Never make him totally satisfied. Never take him as far as you can. Never be everything he could ever want. Never. Always leave him wanting Just. A. Little. Bit. More. Like a stripper. Women often mistakenly believe that if they rock their man’s world he’ll never stray, but that ignores the biological imperative of the hunt. Once men have acquired the object of their hunt, no matter how fucking awesome that object is, they NEED to hunt again.

So never let them finish hunting you. Like a stripper.

Men want to pursue, and they will pursue a crafty woman until the day she dies–if she releases her inner stripper mind. Besides, the tips aren’t too shabby either.

Peace out ya pole avoiding freaks

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PONDERING DATING TIPS FOR MEN–LESSON NUMBER 1

Greetings from the mountain top…

A female student recently wrote The Guru to ask a well-crafted, carefully pondered, deeply-considered, thoughtful question: Why the fuck are men so clueless about seduction?

The Guru has lived many lifetimes and, in each lifetime, learned more about the beautiful creation called woman. In some of our next teachings he shall share with his male students (of which The Guru has few…unless, of course, they have a gorgeous open-minded girlfriend, a hot sister, or access to premo-ganja) things he knows to be true about the science and art of dating and seduction.

Today’s Lesson: Speed kills–so slow the fuck down.

Men–nothing will lose the attention of a woman faster than falling over your cock as you chase after her.

Women need to be seduced, and nothing is more effective than a slow, patient, make-her-unsure-where-you-are-going approach (well, good wine or weed combined with Barry White and a two-headed, oscillating…but I digress). Let her know you’re interested, but not that you’re sold. Tease her. Slowly. And by slowly The Guru doesn’t mean 2-3 minutes. Tease her over days and weeks. With words, or looks, or jokes, or innuendo, intelligence, or touches. Be creative as there is no limit to the manner in which you may tease a woman, but the secret is to never let her know exactly what is to come next. Until she is ready.

Women experience seduction in their mind and nothing captures her mind (followed by her body) more than anticipating what is to come next or trying to figure out exactly who you are and what you truly want.

Whether it comes to asking her for a date, bringing her to orgasm, or getting her to do some nasty-kinky-crazy-you’re truly a sick fuck thing in bed the key is to slow down. A comedian correctly observed once that men are rocket engines, but women are diesel. It takes them a long time to get started, but once they do they can run all night.

Peace out ya impatient freaks

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PONDERING FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Greetings from the mountain top…

While the throngs of 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks (typically from Boulder) who climb to my perch far above the flat lands usually come to learn, they also occasionally teach.

A few nights ago, as we untangled from a puppy pile and as the girls argued over who wore what thong, one nubile nymph we shall call Candy (not to be confused with The Gurus favorite stripper of the same name who has the most amazing ability to take one of her legs and…but I digress) chatted with another nymph about her shifting feelings towards a young man. “Guru Dude,” she said after finding her undies, “friends with benefits is bullshit. Someone always gets hurt.” That’s enough to make a guru cry.

Young Candy is wise behind her years (not to mention flexible). Psychologically, emotionally and, surprise surprise, physically friends with benefits IS bullshit. It isn’t part of our genetic makeup to engage, on an ongoing basis, in recreational sex with only one partner and have our psyche or our hearts remain unaffected. Yet another reason The Guru has multitudes of lovers.

Note that this teaching is specifically about FWB–FRIENDS With Benefits and not about casual sex with different partners. There is a difference, but the latter topic is for a later discussion (and does have a different outcome for most).

FRIENDS With Benefits is most difficult to pull off regardless of age, socioeconomic condition, or level of education. Why? Chemistry. The brain, specifically, the female brain, emits strong nuerochemicals after sex. Nature has basic functions for each gender of any species. For the male the mandate is fuck it or fight it. For the female the mandate is nurture and protect. After sex, powerful neurochemicals are released in the female brain and in a one-time random encounter easily forgotten. During an ongoing relationship, however, the female brain begins to imprint (attach, if you will) on the partner–not good for anyone if casual is the true goal.

The Guru sees many women of all ages (and, fortunately, sees them in various states of dress and in an array of positions–a favorite, in fact, involves standing….but I digress) and far too many seem to go along with the Friends With Benefits concept because they think it’s the path of least resistance. Give a man what he wants today and you can get what you want tomorrow. Or, worse, they truly believe they can handle it being unaware of their own chemical tendencies. A recent study showed men had an 80% positive rating of their Friends With Benefit situation, but women had only a 54% positive view. Chemistry always wins, children.

The Guru is a fan of sex, and anything but a prude, but he is more a fan of healthy self-esteem, balanced psyches, and emotional stability. Remember that saying about ‘If it sounds to good to be true…?’ Yeh, it applies to friends with benefits, kiddo.

Wake up ducky. There ain’t no free lunch.

Peace out ya boinking freaks

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PONDERING WHAT THEY DIDN’T TEACH IN HEALTH CLASS–THE CONCLUSION

Greetings from the mountain top…

Today we conclude our lessons on basic sexuality. Remember, as I often (and by often I mean daily if not hourly) tell the throngs of 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks who sit at my feet (or on my….but I digress) practice is essential for mastery. Or you can commit yourself TO a master.

43) 75% of Japanese women own a vibrator. The average worldwide is 47%. Once again, some Asian is kicking your butt. Get to work America! Break out those vibrators and set em to stun.

44) One in five women living with their boyfriend has more than one sexual partner. Remember men, the phrase why buy the cow when you get the milk for free is not as gender-specific as you might think.

45) Inside the female body, sperm cells can survive for up to nine days. Inside a condom, not so much.

46) For up to 70% of women, simultaneous direct stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse is essential for them to reach orgasm. Men, listen to The Guru. Sex should be like Chinese food–it’s not over until everyone gets their cookie.

47) Over 30% of men suffer from premature ejaculation. 10% of men are affected by erectile dysfunction. The rest of you men are just trying to show off.

48) It’s possible to relieve depression through masturbation, but try getting reimbursement from your HMO.

49) The longer a man’s ring finger is compared to his index finger, the more testosterone he has. Sorry ladies, the length of the hand or nose has no bearing on anything.

50) Why does The Guru like to have the woman please herself while he performs orally (prior to intercourse)? Because The Guru is very, very lazy. The average woman can reach orgasm in about 4 minutes through masturbation, while through intercourse, it can take 10 – 20 minutes.

51) Sneezes, along with orgasms, are the only physiological responses that cannot be voluntarily stopped once they have started. Sneezing during orgasm, however, could result in you blowing off your penis.

52) Men! The next time you want to brag about the size of your penis keep this extremely important fact in mind: Straight men tend to have smaller penises than gay men.

53) 85% of women are very satisfied with their partner’s penis size. Technique counts, gentlemen.

54) The majority of women prefer to have sex in the dark. Why? Here’s a hint, gentleman. It’s not because the female body is unattractive.

55) When having sex, black women are 50% more likely to reach orgasm than white women. Sisters are doing their thing.

56) 60% of non-smoking women have had no sexual partners in the past year, while 70% of women who smoke have had more than four lovers over the same timescale–proving the old bathroom wall adage correct: If she smokes she pokes.

57) Within the week, 22% of women tell at least five friends about their first sexual experience with a partner. Yes, her girlfriends are laughing at you for a reason.

58) 68% of men and 59% of women had a sexual liaison with someone in their past, which they have not told their current partner about. The question is, do you really want to know? (Hint: you do not).

Practice, children, practice.

Peace out ya now sexually informed freaks

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PONDERING GREAT BOOKS THAT HAVEN’T BEEN WRITTEN

Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru, in addition to being a man among men, a sage among sages, and a legend in his own mind is also quite literate. He ponders, he reads, occasionally he reads while pondering.

A great opening sets the tone for a wonderful work of fiction and, for many, are as memorable as the work itself. Who can forget such classics as: “Who is John Galt?”, “It was the best of times it was the worst of times.”, “Call me Ishmael.”, “I am a sick man…I am a spiteful man.”, and “It was a pleasure to burn.”?

One recent night the 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks from Boulder sat in the circle of truth (not to be confused with a circle jerk) and as the herb of Mother Earth overtook them (followed closely behind by the removing of clothing and the pressing of lips on…but I digress) we began an interesting game of creation.

Great opening lines to books never written:

“There I was naked, in front of the refrigerator, a cigar in one hand and a pot roast in the other.”

“She said we needed to see other people, but I didn’t think she meant the entire football team. Then again, Tammy always was an over-achiever.”

“Raheem failed to understand many things about America, especially the concept of reserved airline seating. His fury boiling over, he stood up and screamed ‘Damn you all with your smug attitudes and window seats.'”

“I always heard that your life flashed before your eyes just before you died. Imagine my disappointment when, as the bus impacted my body in the middle of the street, all I could think about was Dr. Pepper and Sweet Tarts.”

“There I was in the hotel room, lying naked. An empty bottle of Jack Daniels discarded next to a midget, a monkey, two dozen condom wrappers, and Portuguese hooker named Juanita. That’s when things began to get weird.”

What about you, dear student? What great opening line might you have?

Peace out ya literary freaks

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PONDERING WHAT THEY DIDN’T TEACH IN HEALTH CLASS–PART 2

Greetings from the mountain top…

Yesterday we discussed some basic sexual information all should know. The Guru was pleasantly surprised at the feedback (write anytime at mountaintopguru@rocketmail.com), more than a little tickled at some of the resulting questions, and made well aware that the 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks from Boulder weren’t the only ones lacking information.

So we continue…

21) White women are the most likely to engage in anal sex, particularly if they also have a college degree–a fact not shared in college promotional literature for some reason

22) During erection, a smaller flaccid penis tends to have a greater percentage increase than a larger flaccid penis–proving again that judging a book by it’s cover is a bad idea

23) A teaspoon of semen contains approximately 5 calories–take that Jenny Craig (all rights reserved)

24) During any given period, women who read romance novels have a tendency to have twice as many lovers as those who don’t–let’s hear it for literacy!

25) Most men under 40 years of age can achieve an erection in less than 10 seconds–so why is Viagra making billions? Perhaps it’s their partner? Don’t shoot the messenger, throw out those skeezy sweats

26) Heterosexual anal sex is something 43% of women have experienced–so gentleman, if she swears you’re the first there’s even odds she’s lying

27) Women consider penis size the ninth most important feature for a man, while men rate it much more highly, in third place. Men think of something besides their penis? Who knew?

28) When a man ejaculates, the initial spurt travels at 28 miles per hour – faster than the world record for the 100m sprint, which currently stands at 22.9 miles per hour. Strangely, however, you won’t see this event in the Olympics

29) The longest erect penis on record was 13 inches. The smallest was 1cm. So all of the men on the internet swearing they have 10 inches…yeh, liars

30) There are 20 male masochists for every female masochist but rarely all in the same room

31) For 75% of men, ejaculation occurs within 3 minutes of penetration. So it’s not just you ladies. Blame it on biology

32) Australians are the most receptive to the idea of having a threesome – 28% of them claim to have tried it. On a side note, this will be The Guru’s final posting from the U.S.

33) 1 in 50 people claim to have had sex in an airplane. The new one percenters (yes, The Guru knows that equals 2 percent but it’s not funny that way)

34) 15% of adults have had sexual intercourse at work. So when your husband said something came up…

35) 5% of adults have sex once a day. 20% have sex 3 – 4 times per week. What the hell are the other 75% up to? Soduku?

36) Every time they engage in oral sex with their partner, 30% of women swallow.

37) Half of single women have sex by the third date. To know of you who wrote poo-pooing The Guru’s blog about The Third date rule…nanner nanner

38) Women over 40 years of age are more likely to masturbate than any other group. On a side note, men married to women over 40 are more likely to swear they have a 10 inch penis than any other group

39) 44% of women find it impossible to enjoy sex with a man who is not their intellectual equal. Just 31% of men share this problem. Let’s all do some reading, people. Google The Mountain Top Guru on WordPress for titillating reading and share it with your significant other. Be sure to turn on the camcorder and forward your link

40) There are about 1,000 recognised euphemisms for ‘vagina’ in the English language. Hmmm…I see a new game show on the horizon.

41) At any given time, 25% of people are daydreaming about sex and 100% of them drive in the fast lane

42) According to studies, the larger a man’s testicles, the more likely he is to stray. So having a big pair really does make a difference.

Until next time, keep reading. It leads to sex. Who knew?

Peace out ya uninformed freaks

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PONDERING WHAT THEY DIDN’T TEACH IN HEALTH CLASS

Greetings from the mountain top…

With the throngs of 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks from Boulder who climb to learn from The Guru, I am continuously dismayed at the lack of knowledge most possess about this glorious thing called sex.

Here, then are a few important facts all should know.

1) On average, adult men think about sex every seven seconds.

2) Semen contains zinc and calcium, both of which are proven to prevent tooth decay. Remember that, ladies, the next time you clinch your jaws and say ‘uh uh’.

3) The average size of an erect penis is five inches–unless, of course, you measure by internet standards in which case all men are eight inches and larger

4) You burn about 200 calories during 30 minutes of active sex. The key word is ‘active’. You have to participate, fellows

5) Kissing is excellent for your teeth–the extra saliva helps reduce the risk of decay.

6) Sex cures headaches. Sorry ladies, but that excuse just doesn’t hold water.

7) The proteins in sperm have a tightening affect on skin. Of course, the downside is you have to walk around with sperm on your face.

8) Men who look at porn involving two men and one women produce much more sperm. As a comedian once said, we are all gay on some level it’s just a matter of how much. Scientists say it’s about perceived competition.

9) Some female penguins engage in prostitution in return for nest-building pebbles. It really is the oldest profession in history.

10) There are five pages of porn on the internet for every one non-porn page. Thank goodness we’re winning the war on pornography.

11) Sex is 10 times more effective as a tranquilizer than Valium, but much more difficult to put into a child proof container.

12) 94% of all men lie about their penis size (and only 6%) use extra large condoms. The remaining 6% don’t have to lie.

13) 95% of women now shave down below leading razor manufacturers to ask ‘Why didn’t we think of this sooner?’

14) 25% of women find money makes a many sexier. Donald Trump, ladies?

15) Having sex at least once per week can lower a man’s risk of heart disease by 30%, stroke by 50%, and diabetes by 40%. It has also been shown that men with an active sex life are more likely to live past 80 years.

16) Let’s hear it for the boys! Just a decade ago, only 25% of women reported experiencing orgasm as a result of intercourse. In recent years, this number has risen to about 45%.

17) The average couple spends about 20 minutes engaged in sexual foreplay prior to intercourse leading The Guru to wonder who measures such things and if he should look for a new job

18) Ladies, you think YOUR man is insatiable? The spiny anteater, an egg-laying mammal native to Australia and New Guinea, has a penis with four heads, but only two fit into the female at once.

19) A woman is more likely to want to commit adultery during ovulation than at any other time in her cycle.

20) Telling a convincing lie to someone is much more difficult when you find them sexually attractive. True that. It’s very difficult to think clearly when the blood is rushing to the nether regions.

Remember, children, if nature didn’t intend for us to do it it wouldn’t feel so wonderful.

Peace out ya sex-loving freaks

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PONDERING MEN AND WOMEN AS ‘JUST’ FRIENDS

Greetings from the mountain top…

A 20-something hippie chick from Boulder we shall call Candy asked a most insightful question the other day as she climbed off of the puppy-pile. “Guru Dude, can dudes and chicks be just friends?” Oh, from the mouth of babes…as opposed to in….but I digress.

Chris Rock, a sage and guru in his own right, answered that question honestly and perfectly when he said that men have two types of women in their life: Women we have fucked. And women we haven’t fucked. Yet.

No, ducky, men and women cannot be just friends. Somewhere deep in our animalistic DNA one of the two, in their heart of hearts, wants to play naked Twister with the other.

That said, what a wonderful place to start a relationship–as friends. The truth is our bodies will whither, the sex drive may lessen, but friendship can and should grow stronger day by day and that is the foundation on which to build a lasting relationship. Let’s just be honest from the beginning, however, that naked Twister is the ultimate wish.

Peace out ya Harry Met Sally freaks

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PONDERING THE SEARCH FOR LOVE

Greetings from the mountain top…

There is a basic rule of life that applies to all things including meaning, purpose, sex, lost car keys, or love–the harder you search for it the less likely you are to find it.

So what is a non-guru to do?

Willie Horton had it right decades ago. When asked why he robbed banks he responded, quite guru-like: “Because that’s where the money is.”

The Guru teaches online, but he lives in person. That’s where you should look for love. Much as Westerners grasp pills for instant cures (you, too, can have a four-hour erection…what non-masochistic woman in her right mind wants a four hour banging?) we grasp for instant love by searching online. How simple it is…write an ad for what you seek, share an email or 20, and voila–LOVE. Wake up, ducky, it aint’ that simple and love sure as hell isn’t lurking online.

The list of craig, the com of match, the harmony of e, are–for the most part–filled with those who fear rejection, have been bitten by life right in the old tushy, are bitter (often righteously so), and who would much rather (deep in their heart) watch reality TV while drinking mountain goat tea (or whatever adult beverage you prefer) than get out in the cold, dark, scary world and risk being bruised emotionally.

To find love you need to go where the money is. Reality. Is it easy? Hell-freaking-no. It’s hard. But it hurts far less, truth be told, than being judged online by someone you’ve never met, being rejected because you aren’t photogenic, or having some dude send you photos of his junk (it didn’t work for Brett Farve, fellas, and he’s got gazillons of dollars and NFL cred–how the fuck do you think it’s gonna work for you unless you’re John Holmes and even he never found love).

Take a chance and say ‘hello’ sometime to a gal or girl. Go old school and walk up to them…anywhere. Starbucks, the parking lot, the check out line, the adult toy store. Listen to the guru, children. The 20-something, wanna-be, hippie chicks from Boulder don’t swarm The Guru because he rocks an amazing body…this saggy bottomed, wrinkly faced, shriveled pod old man gets the chicks because he TALKS to them. Risk being rejected. Risk being disappointed. But risk.

It’s just life, skippy. You ain’t getting off of the ride alive so why not take a risk? Why? I’ll tell you why. You’re afraid you might just find something real and then you’d no longer have an excuse for being where you are–alone.

Peace out ya non-risk taking freaks

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PONDERING THE ITYTWIT SYNDROME IN DATING, THE WORK PLACE, AND LIFE

Greetings from the mountain top…

The guru two mountains over stopped by this morning for a piping hot cup of mountain goat tea.  The Guru has long since lost the ability to taste, but from the gagging and retching of this regular visitor I am certain the foul concoction hasn’t lost it’s horrid flavoring or odor.  It does, however, work wonders on the libido as the 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks from Boulder learned the other night when (after the fifth coupling) The Guru decided it was time to put them all in a circle facing outward with one hand on their…but I digress.

My friend spoke at length about a phenomenon that has grown exponentially with the advent of the internet.  This incorrect way of viewing the world has always existed, but cyberspace has greatly exacerbated it’s power for harm and ability to destroy relationships before they even begin.

I speak of the ITYTWIT syndrome.  ITYTWIT–pronounced just how it looks It E Twit.

I Think YOU Think What I Think.  ITYTWIT.

We all have opinions, but being able to express opinions in complete anonymity without the benefit of face-to-face feedback (a slap in the face, a punch in the face, a drink in the…you get the point) it’s very easy to become comfortable and smug with our opinions and forget one important fact: You might just be wrong.

If “I” THINK something, and have no mechanism in place for it to be challenged (i.e. the internet) it’s easy to assume I’m always correct.  Lindsey Lohan and Lebron James experience this daily, although through a mechanism called sycophants (look it up, The Guru isn’t a vocabulary teacher) but the internet works the same way.  Since “I” will react in a particular fashion and “I” assume “I” am correct, when “you” do not act accordingly something must be wrong with “you”.  And the relationship is over often before it even begins.  Or I know “you” to be an idiot boss, coworker, underling, date, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc., etc., et freaking cetera.

ITYTWIT.  It’s been responsible for more failed relationships, dates that didn’t work out, and wanna-be hippie chicks running half nude down the mountain top after The Guru suggested she bend over and…but I digress.

I Think YOU Think What I Think.  This is a very Western phenomenon although it is spreading worldwide thanks to the web.  Because I think it it must be so.  One advantage of the hippie chicks from Boulder puppy-piled in the man cave is they rarely think so The Guru tends to forget that the rest of the world is slowly drowning in their own thoughts oblivious to the self-created chain they are building every day.

The solution?

Brace yourself because it’s a painful answer.  Shut the fuck up and truly listen to the other person. Ask questions. Seek clarity. And gain some fucking humility that PERHAPS what YOU think is WRONG.

I know, I know, I know…it’s the age of the internet, political fucking correctness (started by Trotsky, fyi, to eliminate dissenters during the communist revolution…the same guy who invented the term racist and assorted other concepts to prevent individual thought, discussion, and debate) and soccer teams all getting a trophy for simply for showing up with their snotty little noses and sagging pants…every opinion is a valid opinion and no one opinion is worth more than another.  PULEAZE.  Just writing that made The Guru throw up a little in his enlightened mouth.

How many times has ITYTWIT cost you ‘the one’ in dating?  You may never know.  But I’m pretty certain you’ve lost at least one relationship with a truly decent person by pre-judging their answer from your particular, limited set of filters.  And just like the 20-something who ran screaming from the man cave you will never know what joys, pleasures, love, or extremes of ecstasy you might have missed out on because you lack humility.

Little league soccer, Trotsky, the politically correct, and dating.  Who knew they were all interconnected?  The Guru.  Then again, The Guru knows all…except what he doesn’t know.

Peace out ya humility lacking freaks

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