PONDERING THE BENEFITS OF BEING A CONVICTED FELON

 

Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru has lived (within reason in all but two states) a crime-free life, but after reading a recent article (click here to read) he wonders if that choice has been a colossal  mistake.

A Massachusetts convicted killer is getting a sex-change operation–paid for by you, the taxpayer–because it was deemed in his…her…it’s best health interest.

Well hell’s, bells…who knew?  I’m thinking that needing regular sex from 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks is in my best health interest.  Think they’ll pay for that if I get thrown in the slammer?

Peace out ya felonious freaks

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Filed under Current Events, Sexuality

PONDERING THE RETURN TO SMALL TOWN AMERICA–THANKS TO TECHNOLOGY

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Greetings from the mountain top…

Once upon a time, when The Guru was a tiny lad, life in America was simple.  Truly.

Like John Mellencamp (I truly miss Johnny Cougar), The Guru was reared in a small town.  Life wasn’t fair or equal or just for all, but it was simple primarily because of the small town and the fact that far less people were roaming the lands.  Bing Crosby played on the radio (we never heard him hit his children), Count Basie and his orchestra calmed our jangled nerves, Gary Cooper stood 30 feet tall on the big screen and always did the right thing, Abbot and Costello made us laugh, Gene Autry kept watch over the prairie (where the hell did they hide the orchestra as he sang while on horseback?) and people strove to do the right thing far more often than not.

People weren’t better or more morale then, contrary to popular opinion.  They simply lacked the anonymity to do wrong.

In a small town (we had party telephone lines then–all houses on a street shared one phone line and you could listen in on your neighbors phone call) anonymity is nonexistent and your choices are instantly broadcast throughout the county.  Do wrong, date a married woman, take some cash out of the till, hit your wife, come home drunk, or lie in business and your neighbors, friends, and relatives know pretty quickly.  Self-policing at it’s finest.

Then the nation exploded, we all migrated to big cities for big opportunities, we became increasingly anonymous, and trouble soon followed.

Peer pressure can be a negative, but it also serves a positive purpose in a civilized society–it keeps us honest and moral.  Chris Rock, one of The Gurus favorite young comedians, says that “Men are as faithful as their options.”  Therein lies the problem.  Too many options (and too much anonymity) lead to too many wrong choices.

The internet, however, is in the process of shrinking the world at an exponential pace which has had the unexpected consequence of yanking our huge, rapidly expanding and anonymous world back into a figurative small town.  Politicians can no longer escape their actions by blending in with the crowd.  School teachers and priests can’t diddle students without the video surfacing on YouTube.  Neighbors can’t steal and jerks can’t escape and wrong-doers are ultimately exposed even in the government (thank you WikiLeaks) because the small town is alive and well albeit online.

The small town of 2012 doesn’t look like the little rest stop in which The Guru was raised.  There isn’t a soda shop or only one traffic light, everyone doesn’t call you by name as you walk down the street, and you probably won’t be visited by the Ladies Auxiliary to be asked to contribute to the Veteran’s Day parade but make no mistake–the small town is alive and well and we should all be thankful.

Thank you Bill Gates (or Al Gore, or whoever the hell wants to take credit) for returning transparency to the universe even if it wasn’t your original intention.  The world is again small and, through positive peer pressure and an increasing lack of anonymity, we’re more and more likely to choose right if only because our ability to get away with wrong is shrinking.

Yes, the internet allows us to hide.  It also prevents us from hiding.  Each incarnation of technological advance seems to strip away a bit more of our anonymity and while that is dubious for privacy rights it is also a positive in terms of the pressure to do right.

_____________________________
Well I was born in a small town
And I live in a small town
Prob’ly die in a small town
Oh, those small – communities  John (Cougar) Mellencamp, 1985

Peace out ya small town freaks

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PONDERING ALTERNATE HAND MASTURBATION AND OTHER WAYS TO GET OUT OF A RUT

Greetings from the mountain top…

As much as The Guru hates to admit it, he is human.

Like any human I sometimes get into a rut.  Seriously, how many young woman can you have sex with, how much wine can you drink, how much weed can you smoke, and how much amazing fun can you have before you become stuck in a rut of your own making?  Yeh, life is sometimes tough on the boulder.

Here, then, is a list of a few items to help you break out of your daily rut:

…masturbate with your other hand (it’s not cheating, but it sure as hell feels like it)

…wear your undergarments (assuming you wear any) on the outside

…have a backwards day (eat dinner first thing in the morning, breakfast before bed)

…watch television channels you’ve never watched even if you don’t like the program

….call up a friend you haven’t spoken to in ages

…buy three fruits you’ve never tasted

…walk up to a total stranger and pick up the conversation mid stream (…so that’s why I told her she was out of her mind.  What do you think?)

…go to a movie theater and buy a ticket for the person behind you (then sit behind them and make obnoxious noises the entire time)

…stand backward in an elevator and pretend everyone else has it wrong

…wake up an hour earlier than normal

…turn on your radio (or Pandora or whatever you listen to), and tune in to music you normally ignore

…pick up a coloring book and crayons at the store and channel your inner seven-year-old for an hour

…go to the park and swing

…ask a random stranger at the coffee shop to join your table

…use your opposite hand one entire day for routine tasks

…shop at a different grocery store or reverse your normal pathway at your own store

…sit, face-to-face, with your significant other (without talking or touching) for 30 minutes

…engage in non-penetration sex (come on, use your imagination)

…write a letter to someone famous and actually mail it

…go to a concert of a band you’ve never heard of (and don’t look them up on YouTube first)

…take a wherever trip (pick a direction and wherever you end up is where you meant to go)

Peace out ya routine-based freaks

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PONDERING REGRET AND THE POWER OF LETTING GO

Greetings from the mountain top…

As hard as it is to fathom, sometimes the words of another are better than The Guru’s.

Such is the case with the subjects of regret, forgiveness, and letting go of the past.  Written by Beth Nielsen Chapman and sung by Willie Nelson, the following lyrics answers this pondering perfectly.

Nothing I Can Do About It Now

I’ve got a long list of real good reasons 
For all the things I’ve done 
I’ve got a picture in the back of my mind 
Of what I’ve lost and what I’ve won

 I’ve survived every situation 
Knowing when to freeze and when to run 
And regret is just a memory written on my brow 
And there’s nothing I can do about it now. 

I’ve got a wild and a restless spirit 
I held my price through every deal 
I’ve seen the fire of a woman’s scorn 
Turn her heart of gold to steel 

I’ve got the song of the voice inside me 
Set to the rhythm of the wheel 
And I’ve been dreaming like a child 
Since the cradle broke the bough 
And there’s nothing I can do about it now. 

Running through the changes 
Going through the stages 
Coming round the corners in my life 

Leaving doubt to fate 
Staying out too late 
Waiting for the moon to say goodniight 

And I could cry for the time I’ve wasted 
But that’s a waste of time and tears, 
And I know just what I’d change 
If went back in time somehow 
But there’s nothing I can do about it now.

Running through the changes 
Going through the stages 
Coming round the corners in my life 

Leaving doubt to fate 
Staying out too late 
Waiting for the moon to say goodniight 

And I could cry for the time I’ve wasted 
But that’s a waste of time and tears 
And I know just what I’d change 
If went back in time somehow 
But there’s nothing I can do about it now. 

I’m forgiving everything that forgiveness will allow 
And there’s nothing I can do about it now.

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PONDERING THE PURPOSE OF SLEEP

Greetings from the mountain top…

The guru two mountains over came to visit this morning and, as we watched the sun rise while enjoying a piping hot cup of mountain goat tea, we began discussing the purpose of sleep.

With a bevy of 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks (currently from Craig) asleep on the floor of the man cave the discourse was either going to be about sleep or the various positions in which seven woman can…but, I digress.

Throughout my many lifetimes I’ve listened to those who bemoan the need for sleep or who crave it and look forward to it.  That those sleep-obsessed parties were unaware of the true purpose of sleep does not lessen the telling nature of their views.  Sleep, you see, is a preparatory activity for death and how one views sleep is a good indicator of how one views death (and life).

There are very few experiences which one cannot share with others–even relieving ones self can be shared (and some actually pay good money to, but again I digress).  Sleep and death, however, are solo activities which one must experience completely alone. Sleep prepares you for death although an argument can be made that death is actually sleeping to an obsessive level.

No matter how much you struggle you ultimately cannot avoid falling asleep anymore than you can you avoid dying.  Both can be delayed, both can be fought, both can be unwanted, but both–ultimately–win.  Make peace with sleep in order to make peace with your inevitable death, but avoid embracing sleep too often or too soon–you do not need to practice dying.

Good luck falling asleep tonight with that factoid rattling in your brain.

Peace out ya sleepy little freaks

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PONDERING THAT SALAD KILLS AND VEGETARIANS WILL DOOM THE PLANET

Greetings from the mountain top…

Many of the 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks who visit the mountain top proudly proclaim their aversion to all things meat (well, almost all things).  When pressed for details as to ‘why’ they usually respond with vacant stares and vacuous arguments about saving the planet, humane treatment of animals, and a healthier diet.

Bolux.

The truth is salad kills and vegetarians are engaged in a ruthless campaign to eliminate humans from this planet.  I, for one, will not sit idly while the murderous vegans wage a silent war against my existence.

Much like trying to find a virgin in Los Angeles, looking for logic in the vegetarian argument is futile at best.  The truth is there are a few, basic realities that must be considered when debating meat eating versus plant:

1)               All life on earth needs oxygen to survive.

2)               Plants produce nearly all of the oxygen on earth.

3)               Methane and carbon dioxide form the majority of dangerous greenhouse gases.

4)               Methane is responsible for nearly as much global warming as all other non carbon dioxide gases combined.

5)               Methane is 21 times more powerful a greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide.

6)               Animal agriculture produces over 100 million tons of methane each year.

CONCLUSIONS:

1)     Eating plants robs the earth of vital oxygen.

2)     Eating plants allows deadly methane producers (animals) to reproduce freely.

3)     Eating animals instead of plants allows for more oxygen while greatly reducing methane.

Save the earth.  Eat meat.

Peace out ya carnivorous freaks

<a href=”http://www.hypersmash.com”>www.hypersmash.com</a&gt;

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PONDERING EDDY PART 9

Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru was interviewed recently by a media outlet, and the reporter asked lots of questions about my many lifetimes, the truths I had learned, my students, and my influences.

When the topic turned to one of my favorite gurus, a foul-mouthed, rough-edged janitor named Eddy (about whom I have written on many occasions), the reporter became rather pushy.

“Was Eddy real?” he asked.

I didn’t answer.

“There are no photographs of him. No video recordings. The people in the neighborhood where you say he lived shake their heads, laugh, and walk away when the name ‘Eddy’ is uttered. No one even has a last name. Was Eddy real?”

I laughed in answer.

“Why are you laughing?”

“I laugh because I know exactly how Eddy would answer that question,” was my reply.

“How is that?”

“Oh, Eddy he’d just let out a big breath, relax as if he was being held by his momma in a warm blanket, and he would smile….he would smile in a serene manner like you see the Buddha in a statue…then he’d look at the floor, shake his head like he had just heard a private joke. His eyes would pause for a second (and you never knew if he was gathering his courage or restraining his fury) then those charcoal grey eyes of his would rise up and hold your gaze as only your mother can and only on those few occasions when you know you’ve really messed up and it’s pay attention or die….that kind of look…and he’d say…

“Fuck you.”

Peace out ya journalist freaks

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PONDERING WAYS TO FRUSTRATE YOURSELF

Greetings from the mountain top…

The 20-something, wanna-be hippie chicks who come to study at the feet of The Guru started a tradition many years ago (I’m not talking about the tradition of removing clothing and sitting…but, I digress) of playing a verbal game called Frustration.

The object is pretty simple–think of as many ways as possible to frustrate yourself.

What’s the point? It’s fun, for one. But also, Frustration tends to show how petty our daily annoyances are and the game has a way of liberating us from our predisposition toward negativity by pointing out the absurdity of the little things that steal our happiness.  Learn to laugh at the negative and you learn to smile at life.

Ways To Frustrate Yourself…

…look for coffee in Provo, Utah

…look for a virgin in Los Angeles

…be a eunuch and go to the whorehouse on free pussy day

…surf news channels waiting for intelligent utterings

…go to Congress and wait for something useful to occur

…look for weed at a NA meeting

…hope to find a stable relationship by searching on craigslist

…expect reality TV to produce one meaningful, poignant moment

…hope that a car with a religious bumper sticker won’t drive slow in the passing lane

…hope that someone with a coexist bumper sticker won’t look smug as you pass them on the highway

…go to a meeting of democrats and search for an open mind

…go to a meeting of republicans and find empathy

…go to a meeting of independents and find even one strain of common discourse

…listen for meaningful discussions at a strip club

…get a man to not stare at your tits at a night club

…look for a clean nose at a day care

…rev your engine to make the traffic light change color

…press the elevator button repeatedly to close the door

…expect a teenager to make sense

…wait for your parents to understand you

Peace out ya frustrated freaks

<a href=”http://www.hypersmash.com”>www.hypersmash.com</a&gt;

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PONDERING A MOVIE RECOMMENDATION

 

Greetings from the mountain top…

The Guru has long taught about the power of time and how good comes from bad, peace grows from turmoil, and order arises from chaos if only we are patient and allow the change to blossom of it’s own accord.

Recently, I saw a film and the lesson has never been captured  more beautifully or more emotionally.  I highly recommend this movie to you:

Mother and Child, 2009, with Annette Bening, Naomi Watts, Kerry Washington and a cast of others you’ll instantly recognize.

Peace out ya loving freaks

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Filed under Current Events, Movies, Philosophy

PONDERING THE UNDISPUTED, UNDEFEATED CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE–SEX

Greetings from the mountain top…

The guru two mountains over stopped by recently to discuss current events.  As usual, we spent more time laughing than discussing mainly because the less time we spend in the lands down below the more absurd (or is that entertaining?) the show becomes.

We humans think we have progressed so far–Electricity, space flight, artificial hearts, two million cable channels, a black president, smart phones, nanobots, Jersey Shore, and more.   We are the epitome of evolution and a legend in our own minds.  Why, with our superior minds and opposable thumbs, there is nothing we cannot do, no obstacle we can’t overcome, no advance we cannot make.  We’re king of the world!

Well, almost.

As we head to the backstretch of 2012 I call to your attention the tiniest sampling of  headlines from this year:

Minnesota Lawmaker in Rest Stop Sex Scandal with Teen Boys Changes Mind, Drops Re-election Bid

Air Force Relieves Commander Over Sex Scandal

Secret Service Agents Fired in Sex Scandal

Anthony Weiner Sexting Scandal

Allison Meyers; the RNC Young Donor Director Fired Over a Bondage Club Scandal

Before you shake your head at the downfall of modern man, realize that sex has never been defeated at any point in history.

Anyone remember a couple named Adam and Eve? What about Julius Caesar and Cleopatra? An obsessed freak named King Henry VIII?  How about Benjamin Franklin, connoisseur extraordinaire of whores? Thomas Jefferson and his love toy (and slave) Sally Jennings? Our only gay president, James Buchanan (I shit you not)?, The Victoria’s Secret of his time, J. Edgar Hoover? Warren Harding  who had a fifteen year affair with the wife of a close friend?  You get the point.

No matter how far we progress, how intelligent we become, how advanced our brains, we are–and shall remain–animals subject to our base drives, our instinctual urges, and the need to get our freak on.

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!  Undefeated throughout history.  Stronger than any human.  Ladies and gentleman, I introduce to you the first, the only, undefeated, undisputed true champion of the universe…SEX.

Peace out ya fornicating freaks

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